I guess I should call this an update.
Right now it's January 1st 2009, 12:01 A.M.
This is how I spent my new years, at home, mostly in my living room with no one in the house, minus my dog. It's just another night in a long string of many where I don't want to talk to anyone, let alone see them - especially friends; I can honestly say I have next to nothing in common with anyone I barely socialise with nowadays. I know it all stems from where I see myself in the future. I know I'm going to turn into my Dad, a friendless nothing with a family that holds mostly disdain towards him. This bleak outlook is the reason why I don't want to trouble myself with effort in return for nothing; the person I will become is inevitable, why waste my time? I'm just going to let you down.
Five years ago I didn't think I'd be spending nights like this alone, writing to no one. Maybe I just really miss what I used to be, and the people I used to be with. Everyone's grown up now though and moved on to their respective paths, and they're all probably still friends. I know why I'm still here, I'm clinging on to the past, thinking about all the things I should have done differently, things I should've done right so that I wouldn't have to make excuses for myself now, so that I wouldn't be constantly alone. I don't even know what I want, indecisive is projected in everything I do, I mean, I've been at uni for 5 years now doing the same 3 year degree, and I still have a year left. I've wasted my life because I don't know what I want to do, I've wasted friends because I couldn't decide who to be and I guess the biggest thing... I'm wasting my future because I have no will to change it.
I'm going to stop dwelling for a bit and do a real update.
SO
I had a girlfriend for a little over a month, it didn't work out. I didn't get a reason for the breakup, although I just assumed it was because I didn't see her for two weeks during my exams. But honestly, she took the initiative to do what I had wanted to do since the second week we had started seeing each other. I couldn't see us together, so I probably (inadvertently) sabotaged us so that she could take the higher ground and do the breaking. My only regret is the loss of a postal service shirt. But that's just the price for no control over anything; or maybe for just being a jerk.
I started a new job in December, it seems alright. The pay is decent. The people are not as irritating as city beach, but the social and talent factor really suck. It's probably the trade-off for the higher wage compared to city beach.
I think I'll make new years' resolutions in this. But I really can't think of anything I would want to accomplish, aside from not end up like my Dad, but that's more of a long term effort that I should just do anyway.
Okay, my first resolution will be to publish the blog more often, even though I have no loyally interested readers; that are known to me anyway.
My second one will be to... I need help with decisions.
I'll come back to this in another blog's time.
Maybe I should make one about creating more ties to people, or at least fixing severed ones. Forgotten friends would probably have no interest in befriending me now, or maybe they'd think I have an alterior motive and just end up being the jerk I used to be. I don't know why it's so hard for me to be regular and average. It could be all the social (anti) conditioning Mum drilled into me growing up, telling me that I shouldn't bother with friends because they'd never be there, or because I can't trust them. It's probably why I found it so easily to deceive everyone with lies so easily uncoverable. I shouldn't blame my parents, but I know because of their over-protective and lying nurturing I am this underweight, anti-social jerk that doesn't want anyone to be any where near him. I don't even know why I keep going to the gym, it's impossible for me to put on weight or muscle because I had none of it to begin with, making it even harder. I wasn't allowed to play any sport in primary school which severely stunted any development, nor was I even allowed at people's houses, which explains all the short-lived "best friends" I went through my whole life (thus far). Thinking about it... I should blame them. I should execute retribution to end their lives for stunting the growth of mine. This could be used against me should I ever goto court for any attempts. Truth be told, I don't care. I may as well have nil to look forward to.
It's funny how whenever I write in my blog I think of someone in particular that got me into blogging. Even though I rarely get to speak to her, let alone see her, this bonified rarity actually makes me smile (once in a while). Even though it was only two weeks, I actually felt a future, one brighter than I would imagine for myself now. It seems like a mystery how one girl will actually drive me crazy over and over again, while another brings me right back down to Earth again. In the end, I guess.. I should learn to trust the one to lead me in the right direction... even if I don't ask for it.
Tired and depressed is kicking in again. I'll goto sleep.
Goodbye, Horses.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Birth of a God
The beginning of the end.
I believe I understand the concept of God.
Just maybe, its something that's akin to the concept of the number zero in mathematics. In other words, it's a symbol that denies the absence of meaning, the meaning that's necessitated by the delineation of one system from another; a symbol that rejects the lack of meaning that is necessary in order to designate the system as such. The symbol's analog version is God, whereas the digital version is zero. Within digital computers, a zero has the notion to be both nothing and something. Even though a zero always symbolizes 'nothing', it is also a benchmark used to place significance to all other non-zero integers.
If you think about it, our primary human objective is digital, right? So, no matter how much information we accumulate, an empty shell will never dwell within us. However, we have a primary analog structure, no matter how much we increase our digital factors in our structural makeup by adding implants, our soul will remain intact. In addition, we are capable of death because we have a soul. Lucky us.
If our Gods and our hopes are nothing but scientific phenomena, then it must be said that our love is scientific as well.
- L'Eve Future
Goodbye, Horses
I believe I understand the concept of God.
Just maybe, its something that's akin to the concept of the number zero in mathematics. In other words, it's a symbol that denies the absence of meaning, the meaning that's necessitated by the delineation of one system from another; a symbol that rejects the lack of meaning that is necessary in order to designate the system as such. The symbol's analog version is God, whereas the digital version is zero. Within digital computers, a zero has the notion to be both nothing and something. Even though a zero always symbolizes 'nothing', it is also a benchmark used to place significance to all other non-zero integers.
If you think about it, our primary human objective is digital, right? So, no matter how much information we accumulate, an empty shell will never dwell within us. However, we have a primary analog structure, no matter how much we increase our digital factors in our structural makeup by adding implants, our soul will remain intact. In addition, we are capable of death because we have a soul. Lucky us.
If our Gods and our hopes are nothing but scientific phenomena, then it must be said that our love is scientific as well.
- L'Eve Future
Goodbye, Horses
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Indoor Living
This modern world is failing me.
I want my world to be made up of feudal provinces, where humans and other beings (if possible) are forced to take up arms and become combatants; where famine and plague are part of every day life; where the average age of a person is late 20s to early 30s and the reason for death is attributed to war. I want war, I want it outside my doorstep, everyday. I also want the ability to eradicate it with more than just weapons made from resources, I want the abilities to come from within where the true measure of someones skills isn't by their physical technique but by the intangible techniques from within that are developed by wisdom and knowledge of arcane arts.
I want to be able to value bonds of friendship more than any other material object or anything of worth. I want to have the bare minimum and be in constant turmoil. I want to be surrounded by people that are following me, depending on me to bring them salvation and still have the power to at least give them hope. I want the ideas of trust and betrayal to matter the most, but not in this modern context of loyalties and talk, I want it to be to the death, knowing someone would lay down their life for you and vice versa. I want to be among the barbarians, where hatred blinds man's eyes and the stench of death is present where ever one walks. But, I guess, I want to be the one to protect those with me the most. As long as they're with me, I'll never be alone. That's what would make me happy, to never be alone, to always have one person by my side. I'd be happy, I'd smile, even though the world is constantly ravaged by greed cries bloody tears.
I have no fear of death, it just means dreaming in silence. A dream that lasts for eternity. No one can draw a clear line between sane and insane. You move that line as you see fit for yourself. No one else can. You'll understand soon that the one that's insane is this world. I guess I'm just looking for a door to open. I was dreaming, I knew it was a dream. I just don't want to open my eyes. From that time it's been like that, always.
Of the days that I have lived, only those I spent with you seemed real.
Goodbye, Horses.
I want my world to be made up of feudal provinces, where humans and other beings (if possible) are forced to take up arms and become combatants; where famine and plague are part of every day life; where the average age of a person is late 20s to early 30s and the reason for death is attributed to war. I want war, I want it outside my doorstep, everyday. I also want the ability to eradicate it with more than just weapons made from resources, I want the abilities to come from within where the true measure of someones skills isn't by their physical technique but by the intangible techniques from within that are developed by wisdom and knowledge of arcane arts.
I want to be able to value bonds of friendship more than any other material object or anything of worth. I want to have the bare minimum and be in constant turmoil. I want to be surrounded by people that are following me, depending on me to bring them salvation and still have the power to at least give them hope. I want the ideas of trust and betrayal to matter the most, but not in this modern context of loyalties and talk, I want it to be to the death, knowing someone would lay down their life for you and vice versa. I want to be among the barbarians, where hatred blinds man's eyes and the stench of death is present where ever one walks. But, I guess, I want to be the one to protect those with me the most. As long as they're with me, I'll never be alone. That's what would make me happy, to never be alone, to always have one person by my side. I'd be happy, I'd smile, even though the world is constantly ravaged by greed cries bloody tears.
I have no fear of death, it just means dreaming in silence. A dream that lasts for eternity. No one can draw a clear line between sane and insane. You move that line as you see fit for yourself. No one else can. You'll understand soon that the one that's insane is this world. I guess I'm just looking for a door to open. I was dreaming, I knew it was a dream. I just don't want to open my eyes. From that time it's been like that, always.
Of the days that I have lived, only those I spent with you seemed real.
Goodbye, Horses.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
The dream world again
A collection of Final Fantasy cocktails ε(●̮̮̃•̃)з
1 cl Bols Banana
3 cl Apple Juice
2 cl Orange Juice
Cactuar
2 cl Bols Blue
2½ cl Orange Juice
2 cl Pineapple Juice
1 cl Lime
1 cl Cointreau
1 cl Peppermint Green
3 cl Apple Juice
1 cl Lime
Sprite
Moogle
Aerith “Virgin”
Diamond Dust
1 Life Stream
1 One-Winged Angel
One Winged Angel
Waltz on the Moon
For the Beautiful Couple
1 cl Bols Lychee1 cl Bols Banana
3 cl Apple Juice
2 cl Orange Juice
Directions:
Shake with ice and strain into Cocktail glass.
Garnish:
One lime wedge
Cactuar
1000 Nails Adventure
1 cl Gold Tequila2 cl Bols Blue
2½ cl Orange Juice
2 cl Pineapple Juice
1 cl Lime
1 cl Cointreau
Directions:
Shaken and put into a Highballs Glass filled with ice cubes
Garnish:
One orange wedge
Life Stream
Pond of Eternal Life
4 cl Barcardi Lemon1 cl Peppermint Green
3 cl Apple Juice
1 cl Lime
Sprite
Directions:
Shake first with the top 4 ingredients. Then top up with Sprite in a Highballs Glass filled with ice cubes.
Summoner Yuna
Divine Passion
- 2 cl Gin
- 1 cl Galliano
- Sprite
- 1 cl Passoã
Directions:
Pour gin and galliano in a Highballs Glass filled with ice cubes. Fill up with Sprite and top up with
the Passoã.
Ultima
Can you handle that beast?
1 cl Malibu
1½ cl Sourz Apple
1 cl Vodka
1 cl Southern Comfort
1 cl Heering Cherry Liqueur
3 cl Orange Juice
1½ cl Pine Apple Juice
¼ cl Grenadine
1½ cl Sourz Apple
1 cl Vodka
1 cl Southern Comfort
1 cl Heering Cherry Liqueur
3 cl Orange Juice
1½ cl Pine Apple Juice
¼ cl Grenadine
Directions:
Shake. Serve with ice.
Moogle
Cute and Sweet
1½ cl Bols Strawberry
1½ cl Bols Raspberry
1 cl Peach
5 cl Milk
Whipped Cream
1½ cl Bols Raspberry
1 cl Peach
5 cl Milk
Whipped Cream
Directions:
Shake the first 4 ingredients with ice and top up with whipped cream.
Aerith “Virgin”
Pure Innocence
3 cl Cranberry Juice
5 cl Apple Juice
1 cl Lime Juice
1½ cl Grenadine
Ginger Ale
5 cl Apple Juice
1 cl Lime Juice
1½ cl Grenadine
Ginger Ale
Directions:
Shake first 4 ingredients. Top up with ginger ale.
Garnish:
Three lime wedges put into drink
Diamond Dust
A Cool Temptation
3 cl Smirnoff Green Apple Twist
2 cl White RumSprite
Directions:
Shake first 2 ingredients and strain them into a Cocktail glass. Then top up with Sprite.
Garnish:
Crushed ice
Liberi Fatali
Fated Children
2 cl Triple Sec
2 cl Bols Crème de Cassis
3 cl Cherry Liqueur
5 cl Cranberry Juice
3 cl Apple Juice
¼ cl Grenadine
2 cl Bols Crème de Cassis
3 cl Cherry Liqueur
5 cl Cranberry Juice
3 cl Apple Juice
¼ cl Grenadine
Directions:
Shake. Serve with ice in Highballs Glass.
Garnish:
One lime wedges put into cocktail
1 One-Winged Angel
Directions:
Pour shot into drink.
Phoenix Down
When you feel to get Reborn
1 cl Cointreau
1 cl Tequilla
1 cl Orange Juice
½ cl Grenadine
1 cl Tequilla
1 cl Orange Juice
½ cl Grenadine
Directions:
Shake the first 3 ingredients. Then pour Grenadine into Shot.
Red XIII
Red and Furious
1 cl Tequila
1 cl Heering Cherry Liqueur
1 cl Grenadine
1 cl Heering Cherry Liqueur
1 cl Grenadine
Directions:
Shake all ingredients and pour into a Shots Glass.
One Winged Angel
Aka
Sephiroth
Pure Evil
1 cl Grenadine
1 cl Hot n’ Sweet
1 cl Dark Rum
1 cl Hot n’ Sweet
1 cl Dark Rum
Directions:
Layered into a Shot Glass.
Limit Breaker
Power-Up
1½ cl Bols Peppermint Green
1 cl Bols Peach
1 cl Vodka
1 cl Bols Peach
1 cl Vodka
Directions:
Shake ingredients. Pour into shot glass.
Hell Fire
Shoot flames out of your Mouth
1 cl Tomato Juice
1 cl Vodka
1 cl Orange Juice
3-4 drops Tabasco
1 cl Vodka
1 cl Orange Juice
3-4 drops Tabasco
Directions:
Shake all ingredients and pour into a Shots Glass
Shake all ingredients and pour into a Shots Glass
The curse of these eyes...
What is happiness? Is happiness the pursuit in life? If happiness had a form, what would it look like?
The masses of people yearn for a gentle world, one free from trouble, problems, malice, violence, the death of the sun, the rising of seas, cosmic collisions, weakening vocal cords and the death of words.
My deteriorating eyesight makes it harder for me to see and appreciate what could already be, for me a gentle world. My vocabulary is not capable and probably never will be capable of knowing, recognising, and communicating everything that can be humanly experienced and felt. Everyday, it feels like a resplendent whiteness, like the sun shining through the clouds is keeping me from being able to experience the world with my eyes and express my thoughts through a voice. The privilege of words were not given to me in order to conceal my thoughts.
So for me, happiness might be something like glass, because one doesn't notice it normally. However, it is actually there. As proof, if you change the angle you look at it, the class will reflect light. It will state its presence and existence more eloquently than any other thing in this world.
The gentle world is so close, even if it is tainted by fake memories, it still possesses a transparent, glass colour. Always, forever and ever...
Goodbye, Horses.
The masses of people yearn for a gentle world, one free from trouble, problems, malice, violence, the death of the sun, the rising of seas, cosmic collisions, weakening vocal cords and the death of words.
My deteriorating eyesight makes it harder for me to see and appreciate what could already be, for me a gentle world. My vocabulary is not capable and probably never will be capable of knowing, recognising, and communicating everything that can be humanly experienced and felt. Everyday, it feels like a resplendent whiteness, like the sun shining through the clouds is keeping me from being able to experience the world with my eyes and express my thoughts through a voice. The privilege of words were not given to me in order to conceal my thoughts.
So for me, happiness might be something like glass, because one doesn't notice it normally. However, it is actually there. As proof, if you change the angle you look at it, the class will reflect light. It will state its presence and existence more eloquently than any other thing in this world.
The gentle world is so close, even if it is tainted by fake memories, it still possesses a transparent, glass colour. Always, forever and ever...
Goodbye, Horses.
Friday, May 9, 2008
ill take the quiet life
a handshake with carbon monoxide.
no alarms and no surprises please.
so it's been a while since I've done anything remotely exciting. actually it's been a long time since I've even done anything at all. it's not like I'm busy anymore because i still struggle to find activities to occupy my days, i just have no motivation to do anything or any aspirations to be anyone (re: intro). i still, from time to time, think about the days when i used to be happy.
i started reading this old book i found in my shelves called 'blindness' by jose saramago, it's about a group of people who suddenly and without reason contract a form of blindness and ultimately band together to survive this epidemic. even though it's unlikely, it makes me wonder about my increasingly degenerating eyesight and what it would be like to try and cope relying on physical survival after having one of my natural senses become oh so fleeting. i guess with my "least troublesome path" approach to everything i would just sit there and wait for the slow, but inevitable ascent (or forbidding descent) into the afterlife.
i keep getting skinnier, my natural weight (empty stomach) is down to about 54kg. i guess i owe it all to soccer at nights and the lack of appetite that follows. i have bought 4kg of protein powder though with hopes that my decreasing body size will at least abstain for now, or even switch into reverse. these BMI (body mass index) calculator things on the internet say im about 11kg underweight. i kinda wish i had some old photos of when i was in high school, i used to weigh 68kg and be, well, normal i guess. but thinking about me plus that weight sounds like it equals FAT.
I'm still waiting for some decent cold weather to come, I've barely worn anything i bought on my trip to the homeland. but then i haven't been out enough or with the right people to wear most of it. on a positive, I've stopped (finally) trying things on in my room and taking pictures and then judging myself, the reality hit me on how uber lame that is.
i have nothing else to report for you, the thousands of non-existent readers reading.
so again,
Goodbye, Horses.
(P.S. cold showers SUCK)
no alarms and no surprises please.
so it's been a while since I've done anything remotely exciting. actually it's been a long time since I've even done anything at all. it's not like I'm busy anymore because i still struggle to find activities to occupy my days, i just have no motivation to do anything or any aspirations to be anyone (re: intro). i still, from time to time, think about the days when i used to be happy.
i started reading this old book i found in my shelves called 'blindness' by jose saramago, it's about a group of people who suddenly and without reason contract a form of blindness and ultimately band together to survive this epidemic. even though it's unlikely, it makes me wonder about my increasingly degenerating eyesight and what it would be like to try and cope relying on physical survival after having one of my natural senses become oh so fleeting. i guess with my "least troublesome path" approach to everything i would just sit there and wait for the slow, but inevitable ascent (or forbidding descent) into the afterlife.
i keep getting skinnier, my natural weight (empty stomach) is down to about 54kg. i guess i owe it all to soccer at nights and the lack of appetite that follows. i have bought 4kg of protein powder though with hopes that my decreasing body size will at least abstain for now, or even switch into reverse. these BMI (body mass index) calculator things on the internet say im about 11kg underweight. i kinda wish i had some old photos of when i was in high school, i used to weigh 68kg and be, well, normal i guess. but thinking about me plus that weight sounds like it equals FAT.
I'm still waiting for some decent cold weather to come, I've barely worn anything i bought on my trip to the homeland. but then i haven't been out enough or with the right people to wear most of it. on a positive, I've stopped (finally) trying things on in my room and taking pictures and then judging myself, the reality hit me on how uber lame that is.
i have nothing else to report for you, the thousands of non-existent readers reading.
so again,
Goodbye, Horses.
(P.S. cold showers SUCK)
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Are you on my side?
I haven't had a best friend since I was in high school, the end of year 12 I think. It's probably been about five years since I've properly told anyone anything personal that troubles me, most attempts I make at venting to others are half-hearted because I don't trust anyone. I already know my 'friends' talk amongst themselves about each other, no one really keeps anything to themselves. Maybe this is the cause to my apathy, my severe detachment from anyone and my inability to let anyone know anything. I guess that's why I make out that I'm so boring, doing the same things every day. But I'm no one to give anyone what they need because I'm still learning how to live, to honestly look you in the eye, it's just easier for me to lie.
All I am is a useless collection of boring lies and empty metaphors made up over the years that stop me from ever getting any where. I've lost all ambition to do anything, nothing inspires me, nobody makes me feel for them and I haven't been left in awe at a sight for my eyes. It's so troublesome to even try to change myself, on my own.
I just want someone to think I'm perfect, to be the only one that could show me how to live, to bear the weight and push me to the sky, to let me do what's right when everything is wrong, when it's easier to run. I'll fill that space they make for me; try to be the one they want, try to be the way they want.
Goodbye, Horses.
All I am is a useless collection of boring lies and empty metaphors made up over the years that stop me from ever getting any where. I've lost all ambition to do anything, nothing inspires me, nobody makes me feel for them and I haven't been left in awe at a sight for my eyes. It's so troublesome to even try to change myself, on my own.
I just want someone to think I'm perfect, to be the only one that could show me how to live, to bear the weight and push me to the sky, to let me do what's right when everything is wrong, when it's easier to run. I'll fill that space they make for me; try to be the one they want, try to be the way they want.
Goodbye, Horses.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Memories of companions from a summer flame, extinguished.
The more I distance myself from everything outside of myself and the necessities, the more I realise I don't need a lot of life's factors - the notable one being friends. For the most part, they are useless because they forget the least important times which mean the most to me because I have nil else to look forward to. I don't care about all the favours I've forced myself to do, all the unpleasant situations I've tolerated and all the idle small talk with strangers they expose me to, I was happy to do it because it made them happy or at least kept them sustained. But now, after my birthday and the mere 3 people remembering on their own (NB these three i rarely talk to) I know that I don't want to put myself through the troublesome scenes of what I used to call friends.
I'm content with this, I know who's worthwhile to me, I know who's used to my habits, likes and dislikes. I know who I want to still call friends, because they deserve it, even if my friendship in return isn't that much of a bona fide rarity.
Goodbye, "friends"; and
Goodbye, horses.
I'm content with this, I know who's worthwhile to me, I know who's used to my habits, likes and dislikes. I know who I want to still call friends, because they deserve it, even if my friendship in return isn't that much of a bona fide rarity.
Goodbye, "friends"; and
Goodbye, horses.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Frienemies
I guess on this date every year I find myself assessing who my friends are, I mean, which of my friends really are my friends.
Too many people become so concerned with time spent and words said, like quantity is the ultimate measure of a friends worth to yourself. Where placement in top friends determines how highly, lowly or no-ly ranked one is to another.
I don't want to be in anyone's top friends, it makes me wonder why i am above or below others, what they have that I don't, what I do that another doesn't. If talking and correspondence is all it takes to make it to a hero's section, then no one is anyone's hero, it's just what friends do.
For me, all i care about in a friend is that they remember the important aspects - birthdays, previous events, interests and so forth. I'm petty about those kind of things because no one ever seems to remember mine, no matter how close to me they think they are. But then it becomes somewhat distorted when those I used to know that i now barely know remember those aspects significant to me. I wonder: Why they are not my close friends? Why do I never see them? And, whatever happened to us?
This is probably why I don't trust anyone and find it so difficult to bring myself to make new friends, because I don't believe in friends anymore.
Unhappy birthday, Jason. For another year...
Goodbye, horses.
Too many people become so concerned with time spent and words said, like quantity is the ultimate measure of a friends worth to yourself. Where placement in top friends determines how highly, lowly or no-ly ranked one is to another.
I don't want to be in anyone's top friends, it makes me wonder why i am above or below others, what they have that I don't, what I do that another doesn't. If talking and correspondence is all it takes to make it to a hero's section, then no one is anyone's hero, it's just what friends do.
For me, all i care about in a friend is that they remember the important aspects - birthdays, previous events, interests and so forth. I'm petty about those kind of things because no one ever seems to remember mine, no matter how close to me they think they are. But then it becomes somewhat distorted when those I used to know that i now barely know remember those aspects significant to me. I wonder: Why they are not my close friends? Why do I never see them? And, whatever happened to us?
This is probably why I don't trust anyone and find it so difficult to bring myself to make new friends, because I don't believe in friends anymore.
Unhappy birthday, Jason. For another year...
Goodbye, horses.
Friday, March 28, 2008
About me
Despite my dislike for about me's being displayed to the public / lurkers on the interweb, i'm bored and have nothing else to write about tonight.
So..
I am Jason
Though in my later years (relative to my current age) people / friends have called me by the following *deep breath* - jasian, asian, gook, fag, emo, j, jay, jaaaiiiiiiii, james, justin, gayson, gaysian, nip, charlie, nemo and probably some others.
I have early male pattern baldness, so my hair is thin and the scalp is visible, it doesn't bother me too much because there's not a lot I can do about it so, why fret? And, apparently it's somewhat common with Wikipedia statistics saying my age group has about 20% affected.
A less popular err.. trait of mine is my pigmentation, that is, a portion of my skin - stomach/back is actually a different colour from the rest of my natural tone. It grew from what used to be the size of a 5c coin to well.. whatever is the size of half a stomach and back.
I'm weighing in right now at 58.5KG, so I guess I'm pretty skinny, some tell me to stay this size, some tell me to get skinnier, some tell me to get huuuuuuge. I'm at odds about what I want because apathy doesn't really point me in any direction, nor do I have a significant other to please or guide me in terms of weight management. I suppose I'm content with myself.
It's now been noted that I have shiny legs for a hairy person.
I'm 21, I'll update this in a couple of weeks when I'm 22. I wasted the first 2 years out of high school at Curtin University, but now I'm sort of heading where I want to at UWA. I have no aspirations to be anything in the future, other than alive, of course.
I have a brother, a mother, a father, and a sister which looks like a dog (because she is a dog). I get along okay, I don't particularly like conversing with them because there's not much to talk about (that interests me anyway, idle chat = t3h l@m3). Mum's pretty protective about stupid things, like an open window on the 2nd floor, or an unlocked door behind a giant metal gate. Dad needs to grow up and get out more. Brother is.. well different, but tolerable. Bibi is heaven ^_^.
Friends. I have, I guess a good circle, a good small circle of friends. I don't actually have a best friend, but for convenience sake I just tell everyone it's Cait because I only really vent my frustrations and general problems in life to her, not just because she's trustworthy, more so because she has no one to tell that would care at the same time. Everyone else does pretty okay most of the time.
I don't have any hobbies, nothing that's passionate anyway. It seems I just fill in the time with activities to deviate my mind away from my unhappiness with every thing. Yes, I am unhappy. But I smile from time to time because my mind gets interested in anime, manga (comics), various books; especially The Catcher in the Rye, updating my wardrobe, ebay, seeing Cait, writing, drawing, final fantasy and looking at Polaroids from classroom days - I guess I didn't need to fake being happy then.
I can't say that I genuinely hate anything or anyone (thank you, apathy) but I dislike a lot of.. everything's I suppose. They are... *deep breath* railroads, talking with strangers, waiting in line, the smell/taste of most beer, alcohol in general, the outer suburbs, most people from the outer suburbs, manual labour, a busy gym, being asked how I am, shaking hands, public surroundings, small cities, homeless, indigenous, body odor, most ethnics, preachers, lobbyists, canvassers, lack of replies to me, driving, stitches, in-grown hairs, burnt milk in coffee at UWA, inflated Perth prices on everything, not tagging shoes with Chris, Audun and Blake anymore :(, generic clothes, fighting, violence in general (bar entertainment purposes) and probably a whole lot of other things I can't think of right now.
I figure I'd be a bad boyfriend because nothing has ever lasted very long. I used to get obsessive but all that and feelings drowned out a long time ago, so it feels harder to connect with someone and even harder to actually want someone. Based on my stature I'd say I'm probably inadequate for anyone my age, which is probably why braces are my favoured candy of the eye. I have no idea what I would like in a girl, even the less than handful I've liked, there has been nothing constant or in common with any of them. I guess that's because they choose me and I really suck at saying no.
I think about the ah, 'good old days', for lack of a better expression, way too much even though there isn't all that much to think about. I guess I just look back and wish I hadn't been such a jerk to particular people, since I want them here right now. I thought I could get away with anything I did to some friends back then and they'd stick by forever, but it feels like it disappeared faster than the smell after it rains. Sorry, Chiara.
I used to write a journal, not about each day of my life or weekly reviews like that, but more so just particular events, mostly insignificant because I would just sort of exaggerate them with words. But, I mostly wrote about people in them. Unfortunately I lost all of that a while ago and never made copies, feels like a big fat waste.
So, it's going on 1am and I feel nervous.
To conclude, there's nothing I really want out of life, no where I really want to be, or anyone I want to be with. If I could, I would just sit in my room all day gathering information on the world so that from 10 years from now when I get over me Agoraphobia, I can step outside and be the best conversation to everyone I come across. Maybe I just want to make people happy, what a gay cliche of an ending.
Goodbye, horses.
So..
I am Jason
Though in my later years (relative to my current age) people / friends have called me by the following *deep breath* - jasian, asian, gook, fag, emo, j, jay, jaaaiiiiiiii, james, justin, gayson, gaysian, nip, charlie, nemo and probably some others.
I have early male pattern baldness, so my hair is thin and the scalp is visible, it doesn't bother me too much because there's not a lot I can do about it so, why fret? And, apparently it's somewhat common with Wikipedia statistics saying my age group has about 20% affected.
A less popular err.. trait of mine is my pigmentation, that is, a portion of my skin - stomach/back is actually a different colour from the rest of my natural tone. It grew from what used to be the size of a 5c coin to well.. whatever is the size of half a stomach and back.
I'm weighing in right now at 58.5KG, so I guess I'm pretty skinny, some tell me to stay this size, some tell me to get skinnier, some tell me to get huuuuuuge. I'm at odds about what I want because apathy doesn't really point me in any direction, nor do I have a significant other to please or guide me in terms of weight management. I suppose I'm content with myself.
It's now been noted that I have shiny legs for a hairy person.
I'm 21, I'll update this in a couple of weeks when I'm 22. I wasted the first 2 years out of high school at Curtin University, but now I'm sort of heading where I want to at UWA. I have no aspirations to be anything in the future, other than alive, of course.
I have a brother, a mother, a father, and a sister which looks like a dog (because she is a dog). I get along okay, I don't particularly like conversing with them because there's not much to talk about (that interests me anyway, idle chat = t3h l@m3). Mum's pretty protective about stupid things, like an open window on the 2nd floor, or an unlocked door behind a giant metal gate. Dad needs to grow up and get out more. Brother is.. well different, but tolerable. Bibi is heaven ^_^.
Friends. I have, I guess a good circle, a good small circle of friends. I don't actually have a best friend, but for convenience sake I just tell everyone it's Cait because I only really vent my frustrations and general problems in life to her, not just because she's trustworthy, more so because she has no one to tell that would care at the same time. Everyone else does pretty okay most of the time.
I don't have any hobbies, nothing that's passionate anyway. It seems I just fill in the time with activities to deviate my mind away from my unhappiness with every thing. Yes, I am unhappy. But I smile from time to time because my mind gets interested in anime, manga (comics), various books; especially The Catcher in the Rye, updating my wardrobe, ebay, seeing Cait, writing, drawing, final fantasy and looking at Polaroids from classroom days - I guess I didn't need to fake being happy then.
I can't say that I genuinely hate anything or anyone (thank you, apathy) but I dislike a lot of.. everything's I suppose. They are... *deep breath* railroads, talking with strangers, waiting in line, the smell/taste of most beer, alcohol in general, the outer suburbs, most people from the outer suburbs, manual labour, a busy gym, being asked how I am, shaking hands, public surroundings, small cities, homeless, indigenous, body odor, most ethnics, preachers, lobbyists, canvassers, lack of replies to me, driving, stitches, in-grown hairs, burnt milk in coffee at UWA, inflated Perth prices on everything, not tagging shoes with Chris, Audun and Blake anymore :(, generic clothes, fighting, violence in general (bar entertainment purposes) and probably a whole lot of other things I can't think of right now.
I figure I'd be a bad boyfriend because nothing has ever lasted very long. I used to get obsessive but all that and feelings drowned out a long time ago, so it feels harder to connect with someone and even harder to actually want someone. Based on my stature I'd say I'm probably inadequate for anyone my age, which is probably why braces are my favoured candy of the eye. I have no idea what I would like in a girl, even the less than handful I've liked, there has been nothing constant or in common with any of them. I guess that's because they choose me and I really suck at saying no.
I think about the ah, 'good old days', for lack of a better expression, way too much even though there isn't all that much to think about. I guess I just look back and wish I hadn't been such a jerk to particular people, since I want them here right now. I thought I could get away with anything I did to some friends back then and they'd stick by forever, but it feels like it disappeared faster than the smell after it rains. Sorry, Chiara.
I used to write a journal, not about each day of my life or weekly reviews like that, but more so just particular events, mostly insignificant because I would just sort of exaggerate them with words. But, I mostly wrote about people in them. Unfortunately I lost all of that a while ago and never made copies, feels like a big fat waste.
So, it's going on 1am and I feel nervous.
To conclude, there's nothing I really want out of life, no where I really want to be, or anyone I want to be with. If I could, I would just sit in my room all day gathering information on the world so that from 10 years from now when I get over me Agoraphobia, I can step outside and be the best conversation to everyone I come across. Maybe I just want to make people happy, what a gay cliche of an ending.
Goodbye, horses.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
the only lonely letter
It's weird to think that people aren't meant to be alone.
That's why it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go of them all the way.
Because nothing blows more than being all on your own... no matter how many people surround you.
:(
Goodbye, horses.
That's why it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go of them all the way.
Because nothing blows more than being all on your own... no matter how many people surround you.
:(
Goodbye, horses.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Apathy, we meet again >.<
Sooooo....
With all the time I've had - alone and thinking, I still can't even open the box labeled "Why I'm so unhappy" to see what's inside.
I had put it down to reasons like:
- breakdown in social ties
- constantly lonesome
- probably born unhappy
- right time, wrong city
But still, even when I tried to change those aspects apathy still remains. I don't find joy in anything; I force myself to socialise just so I can kill time before I need to sleep; I goto the gym with the mindset 'Maybe I can get bigger to fill that inadequacy' when really I've only lost the kilograms since 2003 ended (formerly 68kg). And, recently someone made aware to me that I just work so I'm not stuck at home with these now typed thoughts.
I can't even remember the last time I legitimately felt like I smiled, but I'd date it back to some where in the late 90's, although that's probably just a lie. I guess I felt something in those brief two weeks earlier this year (you'd have to know me to know what (who, rather) I'm talking about). But that fleeting feeling left my in limbo I guess, thinking about what could've been and how I might have changed, again. Not even my trip back to 'home town' completely filled the void, but it was a nice escape to the drudgeries of staring out my window whilst no one's on MSN.
Maybe I should just start writing again and hope escapism kicks in.
Oh well... till the next installment.
Goodbye, horses.
With all the time I've had - alone and thinking, I still can't even open the box labeled "Why I'm so unhappy" to see what's inside.
I had put it down to reasons like:
- breakdown in social ties
- constantly lonesome
- probably born unhappy
- right time, wrong city
But still, even when I tried to change those aspects apathy still remains. I don't find joy in anything; I force myself to socialise just so I can kill time before I need to sleep; I goto the gym with the mindset 'Maybe I can get bigger to fill that inadequacy' when really I've only lost the kilograms since 2003 ended (formerly 68kg). And, recently someone made aware to me that I just work so I'm not stuck at home with these now typed thoughts.
I can't even remember the last time I legitimately felt like I smiled, but I'd date it back to some where in the late 90's, although that's probably just a lie. I guess I felt something in those brief two weeks earlier this year (you'd have to know me to know what (who, rather) I'm talking about). But that fleeting feeling left my in limbo I guess, thinking about what could've been and how I might have changed, again. Not even my trip back to 'home town' completely filled the void, but it was a nice escape to the drudgeries of staring out my window whilst no one's on MSN.
Maybe I should just start writing again and hope escapism kicks in.
Oh well... till the next installment.
Goodbye, horses.
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