Apathy, we meet again >.<

Sooooo....

With all the time I've had - alone and thinking, I still can't even open the box labeled "Why I'm so unhappy" to see what's inside.

I had put it down to reasons like:
- breakdown in social ties
- constantly lonesome
- probably born unhappy
- right time, wrong city

But still, even when I tried to change those aspects apathy still remains. I don't find joy in anything; I force myself to socialise just so I can kill time before I need to sleep; I goto the gym with the mindset 'Maybe I can get bigger to fill that inadequacy' when really I've only lost the kilograms since 2003 ended (formerly 68kg). And, recently someone made aware to me that I just work so I'm not stuck at home with these now typed thoughts.

I can't even remember the last time I legitimately felt like I smiled, but I'd date it back to some where in the late 90's, although that's probably just a lie. I guess I felt something in those brief two weeks earlier this year (you'd have to know me to know what (who, rather) I'm talking about). But that fleeting feeling left my in limbo I guess, thinking about what could've been and how I might have changed, again. Not even my trip back to 'home town' completely filled the void, but it was a nice escape to the drudgeries of staring out my window whilst no one's on MSN.
Maybe I should just start writing again and hope escapism kicks in.

Oh well... till the next installment.

Goodbye, horses.