In a Graveyard

Do you know that circumstance where you have been expecting something for months because you have been confronted because it is an inevitability of life and the circle (or straight line (depending on your belief)) that it represents and even though you know the outcome because there is only one outcome that can be - you still do not know how to handle it?

I mean, despite all my experience, made up experience, rehearsing and practicing with the seclusion within my mind, I scroll through my Rolodex of emotions and reactions... and I have nothing. I know how I am supposed to feel by proxy of having experienced it in the presence of others, but I have nothing for it.

It is not that I have no idea how to feel, because I know how I am supposed to feel, it is just that I do not know how to present it in an outward manner. Is this good? Bad? Should I be proud that I am seemingly devoid of emotion? Should I be scared that I am building all of this up for one day when I just completely break down because I cannot handle it anymore? Should I be worried that maybe... maybe I really am a terrible person?

I thought about this on the car ride there, silently, with my Dad. Since we do not talk I just stared out the window thinking of this, because I thought I knew that I would show something.
I wanted to show something. Anything...
But finally faced with the inevitability I had absolutely nothing. Not even a word. Nothing. I had nothing to say. Nothing to show. Nothing came out. Nothing.

I saw tears, but I did not feel any.

On the car ride home, it was silent again.
All I could think about was this inner plague. Why I had nothing?
I had nothing to say. But then I seldom have anything to say to him.
I think the bridge was burnt beyond repair. He tried too hard.
I hate it when people try. They should just be normal.

I hate this detachment.
I hate myself for this. For not feeling anything.
It is not that I do not want to, I know I want to.
Maybe I am just scared of everything coming out and having no one there to help me.
I mean, I have all but one option as an outlet... a paper pad.
I hate that I have nothing significant.

I hate that I am going to bed without an answer.
I'm selfish... I hate this.

Going to a town...

The town with no people. I am not there anymore. I belong and I participate.
Because it's fun.

Four days a week I find myself at the same place, doing the same thing, with the same people, talking about the same things and the same people.

But... I do not want to have it any other way. Right now is how I want my future workplaces to feel.
I cannot understand the discomfort and insecurity others share with each other, but maybe that is because I really am immature.
I really do not attribute it down to that though.
I am surrounded by a handful of neutral figures I can confide in, easily, without having to worry about what I spill. I like that it is mutual and open. It really feels like I am paid to socialise all but for four hours of the week.

The sad thing is though, I do not want this to change and in retrospect I can see how this will adversely affect me in the future. It puts a burden on my ambition, my desperation, my goals and the future I want... or thought I wanted.

But I should stop worrying about what may or not happen and what I may or may not want to be. I keep thinking of the sunk cost, the six years spent (possibly wasted) because I did not think.

But I am happy now, with where I am and who I am here with and where I sit and lay my hat. That is all that should matter, right?
Added bonus is the candy, human candy, all day everyday.

Enemy of an enemy is a friend?

My preface - I will never understand the mentality of a human being whose seemingly sole purpose in socializing is to finish a night or weekend with an assault charge pending and I really, truly do believe I have a better grasp of the mind than an average person. Is this because my upbringing associates itself with labels like ‘elite’, ‘affluent’, ‘civil’ and so forth; and theirs…. Scum?

I have no idea.

My first meeting with, let’s call this fellow – ‘Scum’ was at One Movement on Saturday afternoon, I was at the VIP area, walking out to which he so politely asked “Do you need those glasses to see or something cunt?”. I casually smirked and ignored.
I can recall every aspects of this example of what the sewers would consider an alpha male in its purest:
• Unit T shirt
• Arnette Sunglasses hanging from the rear of the head
• Ripped denim billabong jeans (not fitted)
• Faux leather white pointed toe laceless shoes
• Barbed wire tattoo around both upper arms
• Two Pure Blonde beverages
I told my friends about this encounter, namely the question, nothing in detail as it made a nice little inside joke regarding myopia.

My second meeting with this fellow was, I guess on my former ‘home ground’ at Amplifier. I had not been there on a Saturday in a long time. My oh my how things have changed in the last few years (by the way I’m not one of those people who reminisce about how good Amps was back in the day since I used to go to Claremont all the time).

Sitting down with my feet up on a stool, I had my water on there. The sewer being approached me. Threw the water on the ground, picked up the stool and asked (told) me “You don’t need this right, I’ll just take it off you”. I muttered some profanity and he asked me if I had something to say – I smiled and reminded him not to drop it on his foot.
A girl sitting with the group apologized to me on their behalf.
Thoughtful… but probably meaningless.

Now, my favourite meeting. The third.
Leaving the establishment, I could not help but hear some girls screaming and some people yelling and some chairs being shuffled about loudly. At my amazement, I saw my favourite sewer being sitting down on a chair, holding his nose / face in general with blood coming down it and looking somewhat dazed.
After asking around for the circumstances, my dearest sewer being had told someone to get off a chair so he could use it and to his amazement, a refusal.
Threats were made and eventually he bit off more than he could chew. I wonder if it’s ironic that his assailant looked like he belonged in the same drainpipe, yet I had the utmost respect?

It was nice to see the universe balancing itself out and an indirect justice sort of served.
It is encounters like this that I yearn to leave this place, leave my friends, my family and be somewhere comfortable where I do not have to worry about every second person who takes a longer glance at me to whether or not I will have a physical confrontation to deal with.

But I guess that is life, so social, so physical, so emotional… so stay home.

Ballz

Taken from Sunday 18/09/2010 @ 2.08AM

This year I have looked forward to every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.

It's just after 2AM on Saturday night, well Sunday morning. I have just spent majority of the day and night with my team mates from football on our end of season wind up down at the club and at The Garden in Leederville.

I am not sure if it is just football or every team sport, but I just feel it is really hard to explain to anyone who does not love the sport, or any sport in general how much the training nights, game days and just sitting at home watching the premier league really mean to me.

I can easily say I love playing more than I love being with some of my friends because it actually means something to me.

Training with and playing in this team feels like it is the only time when I am alive. And I mean really alive. I am seldom passionate about anything in my life and even less so aggressive, but I think what I really feel is how happy I am.

I had a special mention in our presentation tonight from one of the senior players, noting that at the start of the season I was not quite up to the speed coming from Socials but I stuck it out and started going from coming on for a 20 minute cameo sub to regular starting team places. I even bagged my first hatrick in the amateurs.

Which brings me to that day.

It was 15/08/2010 and I was about to leave for my game when Dad asked where I was playing. Reluctantly I told him where and when (FYI: I do not like friends/family watching me play) we were playing and whom against.

Down at Subiaco change rooms our reserves coach was going through the lineup, I thought I was destined for the bench again which I had been comfortable with since my persistent injuries prevent me from seeing out the 90 minutes. In passing, the coach mentioned some players who were starting who barely come to training, arrive late or sometimes never even show up. He then made allusion to myself always being at every training and being on time for every game - Mr. Reliable.

I was named on the bench.

Just before we were walking out, he told me I would get to start and he wanted me to score some goals.

At kickoff it was more or less the first play of the game. The ball was taken down the right side, crossed in and I met it with my head (eyes closed -_-) and scored the first goal in under 2 minutes. It was great because a lot of the firsts were down there and my Dad was right behind the goals watching too. I do not think I have heard more people shout "Jasoooonnn Deruuuuuloooooo" at a half Asian. My First

Not much time passed before another similar cross came in, this time along the ground and from about 6 yards out i slotted it into the top left corner. I just ran around with a smile and jumped with a hand in the air past the bench and fellow club mates. My Second

In the second half we were a little lackluster and Subiaco clawed back two goals (BTW I neglected to mention goals others scored, we were 4-0 up at HT) which was kind of surprising to us. Another ball was crossed from the right, but closer to the keeper. He spilled it and I was there to pounce on a scrambled tap in. My Hatrick

I was so happy because I had not done this in amateurs before and I never thought I was do it in my first season.

After the game I was put in the middle whilst we sang our song and threw water around.

So it is days, moments, triumphs and personal accolades like these which make me feel really happy and fulfilled to belong and participate. Which is why I reiterate that if you do not belong to a team sport or really follow any team game, it is hard to feel what I have felt this whole season and why I want to keep coming back every season for as long as I can.

I wish I had not lost my team photo tonight though, I was going to scan it and put it at the bottom. Maybe Ryan will scan one for me. I will find others.

I have to go to sleep. I threw up not long ago.

Empty out your stomachs

Taken from Saturday 09/07/2010 @ 2.41AM

I think I have just had one of the most confusing, not really surprising, enlightening nights I have had in a long time that I do not want to occur ever again for the position it puts me in.

I cannot comprehend some people, where they seem like they are really happy to be where they are and who they are there with... but they still do or try to do what someone in that situation would not or should not have crossing their mind.

I am really glad I did not consume enough toxins to be susceptible to it to a detrimental extent.

What is even more confusing is how it makes me feel, that two in one night would want to make that option.. and with me of all people. There were some backhanded compliments veiled in notions that I should be less of this and more of that, but I think they forget I have never been out to impress them or want anything from them. I will always be this way.

I think they have cost their friendships with me for the most part.

I know I will not enjoy being in their presence anymore. Or not as much as I used to.

I guess it is mostly not consequential even though I did partially succumb.

To think I turned one down to just give in, briefly, to the other.

And even more so, she had the audacity to say she was the one who considered a connection with me. Maybe she thought I thought she is the type that I am wanting to be connected to.

But she is not.

I wonder how that will affect their connection? I can see it coming.

They should not be surprised at my frozen expression when it does happen, if they could not see the ship sinking, then maybe they really are just like everybody else I did not want near me.

But I guess this is good for me, it is a way out for a time being. I still have one more there but she is okay. Confusing some times if we are actually friends as I think I might instill some misguided thoughts and impressions. But I try not to. But it is okay as there is a connection that should not be broken.

So, again. I am confused. But I am still happy with how this turned out I guess.

Pity it will not be remembered that I am socially okay outside of our employment dispensaries.

I wonder if that will give anything away. I hope so. I hope the world is watching because I can't seem to stop these assailants... maybe they are changing their faces.

I do wish someone else was there though.

It would have been nice to finally be able to talk to her.

I hate that I do not know anything about her.

I hate that I know that I do not have the initiative to do anything about it because for fear of disappointment... even though I know I will not be.

I have to go to sleep. Too many thoughts cause strange dreams.

Careful days..

After coming very close to losing everything I have ever written in my whole life on two occasions in the last couple of months, I have decided to start transcribing more items to be published on the interweb so that if I do lose their physical or stored presence, I will still have them in cyberspace some where.

Also, I get to share it with the handful of people that sometimes like to read the nothing I have written about.

Please donut question the health of my mental state though.

I'm not insane, just impolite.

I am no where .. and it is now morning

Taken from Saturday 11/9/2010 @ 5.39AM

I still have no idea why I am here again. But at least I think I am getting better at being here because I am participating and being with people even though 8 or 9 hours ago I decided not to be with people and chose to stay in my own head. But I am with people and was with people and found new people and some old people.

From back to front...

I think I just spend the last 2 hours standing in the cold apologising profusely to someone and explaining why I was so stupid once... I mean.. I am still stupid, but I try not to show it so much.. or let it be shown..

She called me insane.

She is right though, I am insane. But not in a clinically violent way... just.. in a different way. It does not make me special or different from any one else at all, I am not better or worse than any other person. I just still struggle to deal with some aspects of reality some times.. but I am getting better at it.

She called me insane. But I think she really did appreciate it. Appreciated what I had to say.. or maybe she just liked hearing my voice again since it had been so long.. maybe she really did want me to stay so she would not be waiting on her own at 4 or 5 in the morning.

I cannot tell you why. I can only guess. She won't tell me why.. I would not deserve to know why.

But that does not matter.

I was able to talk to someone who I would talk to all the time and see kind of regularly and that I really liked. Not that kind of crush like. That is liking for someone who you think they are or who you want them to be because you feel too embarrassed, too shy or are just too lame to talk to them and get to know them at all. So I really liked her.

I told her everything I wanted to tell her.

I want to tell you too.

I told her I was sorry for everything ill I had ever said. I said I was sorry for what I did after 06/01/2008. I made a stupid mistake and when I had no way back all I had was my less flattering, rude side. But not the normal rude. The malice one. I am slowly ridding myself.

I told her that she should not forgive me because I did not deserve it because all I was saying was just words and I have always been adamant that apologies were so empty. If it was meant, it would not have been needed in the first place.

I am still a hypocrite.

I told her that I really do miss being able to talk to her all the time and the countless texts and messages we would exchange and our meet ups in the city when we could both meet up after work. I miss reassuring her of how pretty she is.

But not that kind of made up pretty anyone can pull off with some faux layers.

I always meant that 5am pretty or the baby breath pretty. The kind of pretty where she does not even need to try and I still think she is pretty.

That is what I always meant.

She probably would not believe me now.

I only wanted to know one piece of knowledge though. I wanted to know if she hated me.

She would not answer me. But it is good she kept it. I do not deserve to know yet.

I have to make it up to her.

I still want to tell her she is pretty. But to her.

Further back.

I finally met someone that I had been wanting to meet for a terribly long time.

Even though the circumstances were kind of troublesome - a fire extinguisher being let off in a small room (they taste terrible by the way) and having to keep up with my friends, I still really enjoyed just meeting her.

I wanted to tell her a little more, some reassurances.

I wrote something brief for her anonymously via another intermediary.

She probably does not know it is me, but I hope she does one day. It would be nice for someone to know that and nice for me to know that someone knows that.

Almost at the start.

I think my habits are becoming worse.

I have been drink driving more or less every time I go out.

I am not sure if this is really classified as one of those problems where people intervene, it seems more like a problem with circumstance. Or maybe just not being near to where I want to be. But still...

I think it is really quite amazing how around certain people I can feel so comfortable because there are no immediate or troublesome restrictions. I should keep doing this. But I should not become reckless.

I think this is the start.

Ending Start.

Enjoy the show~

There's no one around

I wanted to write something nice for someone, but I could not figure out who I would do it for because I have no met someone new in a long time or had that kind of experience with someone current for it to mean that much for me to write, or for them to have that effect on me.

But, why should it be about me?

I spent a day reading someones Formspring after their friend had asked me if I had contributed negatively. I forgot it was the second time they had asked and second time I had shrugged it off. I still cannot fathom why users would tolerate the remarks made on there, let alone why a person or people are so vindictive of each other. I did not understand much of the background on there aside from it targeting a handful of friends, I think, but I could only assumed that the anonymous knew them one way or another to even know about some intricacies of their lives.

I do not know either of them particularly well. In fact, all I can give are names and where they like to go on weekends from the handful of times I have had a glance of them.

I just really wanted to tell them both something, something infinitely nice I hoped would leave an impression on them. Even if they don't remember it in its entirety, just the essence of it when someone would tell them otherwise - to their face of behind a veil. I just wanted them to know.

You aren't boring or vain or simple or mean. You're colour, complex and have a beauty that is all your own. And for the record, you are infinitely nicer than they give you credit for. (I only fit up to here in the commentary) I wish you would cut out this medium that is just nothing but ill thoughts from the vacant and the bored and just remember this one remark out of 500 because it should be all that counts. Even if it is anonymous and I am not easily distinguishable. I still wanted you to know this. I want it to reign infinite within you.

I hope one day you search for it and find nothing but this, because it was original.

I just wanted you to know.

:)

Taste my hatred

It feels like so little time has passed since I was writing myspace blogs about my friends and people I had met.

I haven’t written about anyone in a long time. But I guess that is because I haven’t let any one come near enough for me to write about. I mean, to really write about. Not just a how we met or first impression. I think I like to only write pieces about beautiful people. But not in the shallow sense, like on the outside. But all over.

I am still writing for myself, sometimes. But I think my purpose has been lost because I had run out of things to write about… or people. Now I find myself at the mercy of strangers that I have volunteered my services for. But I do not care about them, so I cannot bring myself to try. Because I do not care.

I want to be able to write with a purpose again. Write about something or someone that makes me feel like I should or because they have asked me to, not just because someone has told me to for no reason.

I wish I could find copies of those old pieces I did. I think they would make me happy again. But most of those people I wrote about are not even in my life anymore. I can remember all of them. The ones that still are, I think I really value them a lot. Even if I seldom show it, I think they know that they do mean something to me. Something more than just a name.

There are new people, but I don’t know them yet. Maybe I do want to know them. Maybe I do not. I cannot tell. Indecision is my worst friend. I think it makes me think I hate a lot of things. But I am just confused.

Thorns

I think the fact that I am a prick detracts others from me. Knowing this and continuing, does this make me arrogant?

I have been told I am (particularly on enlightenment night) but it was not a revelation.

I do not go out enough or have enough friends that it would make me want to behave, even for something long term and reportedly one of the purposes of life.

I guess I just use this as an excuse to keep new people away from me so I don't have to go out. I think they take it personally, but it is not against them. It is against me. I must be very frustrating.

Can't everyone just see it as a challenge or a beware sign and sample at your own risk?

Worst case scenario - you will be back where you started with something new to tell your friends, friends that I will never meet.

If I ever apologise, I am probably lying. Unless, of course, I actually mean it.

I would be a very pleasant computer illiterate mute.

So what if you catch me?

It's exactly like you said - "All I am is what I'm going after next".

I travel a lot, you asked me if it makes me lonely. I told you before that I am alone, but I am not lonely.

I cannot find myself being with you, because I have not found myself yet. I'm not going after the next actress or model, trying to find the one. I am trying to find myself, who I want to be. The last person that I want to be. Forever and ever.

You asked me what more I wanted you to be. What would make you perfect?

But, I don't think you understand. There is nothing wrong with you. There is no such thing as perfection. If there was, everything and everyone would be ordinary. No alarms. No surprises.

A life full of routine. And from that we lose the power of speech.

But... maybe I'm just so mistaken that I have lost my direction that I want to go this different way because I really don't want to belong. Belong to anything. Belong with anyone. Now every day I wonder... wonder if I am wrong?

I will not make it to see us because whatever happens is supposed to.

But so what if you do catch me? Where would we be? Where would we go?

I would just be in somebody else's life taking your hand.

You'll make up your problems and tell me to solve them but I will just spend my time up in my own head.

What will be your point?

Maybe we should just keep thinking we could be like this picture and share the feeling.

I can see us changing but everyone will taste your hatred.

But I don't have the answer, we can still pretend you are carried away in your own dress with me... but I'll just disappear with some other actress, like I had promised.

Until we meet again... enjoy yourself.

Earth Wanders Guide To.......

HAPPINESS!

So basically I am going to write a guide that covers the following topics of happiness:

1. How happy are you?

2. Keys to happiness.

3. Ways to be happy.

This is not really a generalisation for everyone to follow, it is more so related to me. So, I guess, if you are like me it might work. But probably not if you have read beyond this.

Part One: How are you?

Firstly

happy

-adjective

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.

2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frameof mind.

I guess normal people (who are happy) would probably describe it as a state of their being - being in love, being balanced, being peaceful, being fulfilled, being gratuitous for what they have. It must be this awareness of happiness which assists them toward the being of happy.

After some trolling on facebook/tumblr for people who's Bio's have the word happy or words synonymous with happy in them, I have discovered the indicators to assess whether one is happy or not. People feel happy when they have:

1. A fulfilling relationship (i.e. love/heaps of sex without love)
2. Employment that is satisfying in the short term (e.g. heaps of money), offers a career (e.g. development & training) or both.
3. Consistent health and energy
4. A variety of interests to use point 3.
5. Friends

Combined, it seems that these people all express a positive (sometimes annoying) attitude to life, speaking of challenges as opportunities to learn and grow (they probably don't see it that way but I do).

I delved into unhappy people on facebook/tumblr as well, not including myself because I am not unhappy (I am just really bored all the time) to dissect to offer a contrast. People who are unhappy feel that way because they:

1. Feel like victims (I don't know what of, privacy settings forbid me from delving)
2. View life with a bleak and often limited perspective
3. Blame others
4. Blame their circumstance
5. Lack humour

I think a way to which one may gauge their happiness/level of happiness is to review yourself and see if you feel like a charm for others.

charm

–noun

1.a power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty: charm of manner; the charm of a mountain lake.

2. a trait or feature imparting this power.

3. charms, attractiveness.

Attraction seems to be the theme here. Not physically perhaps, but the person that you are. Do you attract people with ease through being your general self? If so, you are probably a happy person that others enjoy being around.

Apparently John Lennon said something along the lines of “Everything is clearer when you are in love”. Maybe happiness is as simple/terrifying as that.

Part Two: Keys.

The state of being happy seems to be a free will choice, one chooses to be happy, sad, miserable, a prick, a really nice person etc. So I guess the first key is...

Commit to being happy

Recognise that there is a choice to being happy and affirm to yourself that it is your own right, not a privilege. But this goes beyond just saying to yourself “today iyam going to be happy”. Search and discover what makes you a happy person; make them a priority in your life (i.e. if friends make you happy, don’t avoid them). Everyone, in one way or another, knows what brings them various emotions and feelings, it really just comes down to whether a person will admit to it and give themselves permission to do or experience it.

Keep an open mind

A free mind will allow one to expose themself to opportunities and provide a unique perspective on life (re: don’t view life with a bleak and limited perspective). Don’t be hesitant to try new, strange looking oriental foods with a lot of sambal, just because they look like they might make you throw up, they are actually really tasty (once you get used to it). Food makes people happy. Worst case scenario, the sambal will make you clear your bowels the next day.

Be healthy

This is probably the only key I commit to because it is easy, it is actually easy to feel happy when you know you do have vitality when you are feeling ill (I get sick a lot). Play team sport. Aside from feeling like you belong to someone and are striving for a goal, the bonus out of it is that you get to stay fit with regular exercise.

Keep a balanced diet too. It is not overly hard to buy and eat fresh produce provided you have some idea how to shop and use the internet.

If you are tired or stress, just take a break, relax and meditate.

RainyMood.com

Is probably one of my most visited favourites. Even up there with Tumblr.

Humour

Be funny, act funny and laugh at yourself all the time, especially where situations are testing. There are so many clichés about life being a challenge but I guess that’s why they become clichés – because they are common. There really is a great quirk about life. Seeing and exploiting that will make your days seem that much more tolerable, if not even enjoyable. It is also a really pleasant healing force because it shatters everything that may seem detrimental at that moment.

VALUE YOURSELF

What’s the point in being happy if you do not find anything to be happy about internally? You should treat yourself like you would the most important aspect in your life (person, pet, antique treasure). Mistakes will come and go, so be kind to yourself, because they are fleeting. When there’s success, celebrate and hold on to it. It’s like in gambling – nobody brags about how much they lose, just all the cash they take from everyone else. I guess the same can be said for anything that carries win/loss aspect to it.

Part Three: Ways

I think if I was truly happy, I would possess all or most of the following aspects. They are not in any particular order, just as they come to mind more or less.

1. Don’t take everything so seriously.
2. Political and historical awareness. People have died for what they believe in, even if the solution was not to their satisfaction. Everyone should have the opportunity to be heard.
3. Come outside. Do something abnormal relative to your normal. Read a book about cheese, go to a gallery displaying hetro/homo erotic depictions, attend a cause for something you don’t know about. You might broaden your horizons. Worst case scenario, you have a good topic of conversation for a couple of weeks.
4. Rescue a pet and make it your own (get it vaccinated first though).
5. Don’t cut ties. Keep in contact with your friends, even if they are not that close. One of my biggest regrets to date is that after high school I did not make the effort. I have no clear group of friends. I have no best friends. I have two solid friendships left from school. I would think those who can genuinely say they are always happy commit time to family and friends. It must feel good to belong somewhere.
6. Eat well. Because it becomes you. Vitamins & minerals are lovely. Processed food is horrid. Inner shine equates to exterior glow.
7. Confidence. Value your abilities because without them you may as well be no one.
8. Accept the way the world works. But don’t necessarily sit around and watch it occur in front of you. There are aspects that are out of your control and that you may not agree with be it physics, religion, law & order (great show btw) or the forces of attraction. Accept what’s happened and what’s happening, but try to make it happen the way you would like it too. I think that was a proverb.
9. Find balance. Have a disciplined and skilful approach to life. Remove destructive mental states from your life and replace them with those synonymous to positivity. It will cultivate happiness.
10. Be different. I think this is one of the few ways I have maintained some happy sanity. Those who stand out are noticed, they will go places because they do not spend much time judging. What good is your life if you spend it deconstructing others?
11. It’s okay to brag. Occasionally though. But not for your pride, just show that you are grateful for your abilities and security.
12. Have goals. It gives you something to do. Bonus, there is a reward when achieved.
13. Get your finances in order. Not as if you were dying, but in the short term. Nobody likes to live in financial turmoil nor waste away their youth scrolling through photo albums on facebook of people’s holidays.
14. Be active. I have found that playing sport 3-4 times a week has made me a much more vocal, confident and balanced person. It can be frustrating and disappointing from time to time, but it is severely outweighed knowing that you are keeping healthy. According to various articles I have read, it also releases endorphins that contribute to feelings of self satisfaction and exhilaration – the “runner’s High”.
15. Be immature. Be a child again, carelessly reveal your emotions or inner schizophrenia. Make your mum the centre of the world. Anything that makes you forget your 24 and at work.
16. Hugs. Hugs are grate.
17. Work hard. Nothing will fall in your lap unless you deserve it. Dreams don’t come true by staying in bed all day.
18. Music. Music is an expression of the world the artist comes from. It also has this uncanny feeling of empathy, making one feel like the song was made for your.
19. Don’t dwell. Petty squabbles are not worth the years of time and memories one would jeopardise. Trust me.
20. Tell the truth. Lying is for the miserable and a constant reminder of who you are not and who you wish you could be.
21. Take pictures. I am really envious of the children and teens these days with picture taking coming so easily. Film camera’s were great and all but so hard to share and maintain.
22. Value your time. Don’t waste away at home achieving nothing. If you really have nothing to do, spend it meditating or doing yoga in your room. Practice dance routines on youtube in time for the weekend. (I don’t do this that much btw).
23. Be simple. I really like looking at how much money I have saved by being really basic.
24. Let it out. I don’t have many people to confide in. In fact I am sure I have no one. My blog is the only place I can let it out. And from time to time it does get to me when I write. But that’s okay. Express your emotions and prevent the build up of tension and inner chaos. It’s not worth it.
25. Re-think your characteristics. I mean, it is great and all to appear mysterious but don’t be a self indulged prick. It is not attractive.
26. The long-term. I place very little value on big nights out or a really expensive car. The value on both is fleeting and depreciable, respectively. You will realise it is only temporary happiness when these things make your day and not your life.
27. Know who you are. Be at peace with yourself, happiness is to experience the essence and expression of your meaning.
28. Learn. Language, martial arts, web design, photography. Impress others.
29. Understand sadness. Do not underestimate or ignore it. If anything, it will remind you of how blissful it is to feel joy. Being able to experience all spectrums of feelings and having the resilience to deal with them is imperative.
30. Hang out with old people. I really enjoy some of the older birds at work. Knowing that they can put up with me and that I can talk to them (it’s not really a conversation, just them listening to me) and hear their stories provides for valuable lessons and guidance for the future.
31. Be nice. Sunshine for others means sunshine for yourself. Everyone loves being tanned right?
32. Travel. Engrossing yourself in another culture is a treat. The food, the people, the goods and the lifestyle. Just knowing that no work awaits you the next day during this time in your life will make you appreciate of what you have and the future potential.
33. Stars. Forever be the sceptic. Not only are they one of the most beautiful sights with a tilt of the neck, there’s always something about the diamonds strewn across a dark blanket conveying a lifetime of endless possibilities. Remember, you are part of an infinite universe.

Love. Find it. A partner, a child, a friend or a pet. Just find it. Waking up with or knowing that you have someone there when you need that pick up in the worst of worst will be a joy in the best. I feel like it would be the best feeling in the world. Being able to tell someone that, everyday.

I do not think it wise for me to tick what I have and don't have. But I know that regardless of however I make out to feel or be, that I am happy.

But I guess you really want to know what happiness is right? Well it is waking up in the middle of the night for no good reason, shifting under the blankets awkwardly and feeling the heat of the person next to you. Without even thinking, you turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent and vulnerable state. They keep breathing as though the weight of the world lays on anyone else's shoulders but their own. You smile to them and for yourself, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and the muscles form an involuntary grin on your own face. In that moment you feel an arm wrap around your waist. You know it does not get any better than this.

So,

Lovingly yours,

Jasian

Indecision: the graveyard of my intentions

I am supposed to be, along with every individual to have lived, is living and will live an amalgam of everything they know and cherish. What we are exposed to and attracted to as a child is supposed to influence the adults we are to become. These influences feed off each other and are intertwined until you have realised that you have become the product of every connected experience and passion you have had - finally realising that every single second of your living days matters and shapes you. Some people are focussed, thus drawing them to a single direction. For others, this is not the case.

I find myself everyday reflecting on the different personalities exhibited to the different groups, wondering why I cannot be one for all. It's not lying... it's just creating, acting or performing... maybe it is lying through a medium. Through all the years of travelling, diaries and blogs that have long since been deleted or lost which contained the contents of my head and heart while I wandered through a life where I have felt that I have had neither.

I have started meeting new people regularly, even complete strangers, but it is the next day where I don't know what to do, because from an early age I was so sheltered from socialising. I

maintained a single friend at a time throughout primary school, and only towards the end of primary school is where I was allowed to be influenced into what would shape my tastes. But was it all too late?

I think back to then when I had a life of recluse and was a problematic child, where I did not know how to behave, I did not know how to socialise and I did not know what was normal. If the experiences I had as a child are to influence who I am today... am I any different to what I was 15 years ago?

It does not feel like it.

I still spend most of my time alone, wondering what if I had this, if I was that, if I was with them, or with her? Wondering what could be if I instinctively knew what I was meant to do.

This collection I have of experiences, ability and even passion that makes up my individuality seems like it is full of contradictions in my own case. I am a basket of binary opposites.

I am different from the rest, but not in the sense of a cliche that everyone is a unique individual.

I meant, I am different from the rest of the unique individuals. I am something else. But I do not know what. It negatively reassures me that I am going to be by myself, misguided and indecisive until I find that out.

But, this indecision will be the seedling, ultimately of my own fear of finding out.

This is who I am.

This is who I have been for always.

These are my days.

This is how they stay.

This is who I am, this is who I will remain forever.

It's twice now

I am no good at really keeping friends, even when I make them, I'm still no good at maintaining anything because I'm not sure how to. I think unless they make the effort first, I just assume anyone new immediately dislikes me with reason, I probably give enough reasons - I don't know whether they are justified or not.

The second effort isn't troublesome, it's just I think I would rather not be let down. I mean, I always have low expectations upon anything unknown, but then I get unreasonably attached for no reason once I'm there and interest piqued.

I think I will forgo more friendship opportunities this Winter and current ships will be sunk, if not already.

I have found another flaw.

Good bye, Horses~

Dearly dear...

I have figured out that there are a lot of people that have my information available to them, but I have no contact with. I decided to cut, so far, 318 people out of me. I think I have just realised that I do not like you, that I do not want to keep up the pretenses of pretending that I am interested in you because of somewhat self indulgent tenancies. I guess it just comes down to it that I am bored, bored with you or with myself that I have to be so petty. My final realisation is that having you associated with me is not part of my only aspiration - happy.

I am indirectly letting you know, should you for some reason decide to visit me here. I do not mean any offense, but in case you were wondering why you cannot read about me, you have a generic explanation here. But really I do not care and probably do not like you.

As for everyone else who's calls I pick up, messages I reply to and conversations I converse in - I think I enjoy your presence with me. I am not anti-people, just... I'm not a great person.

Below are some nice things recently*.

*Note: some people featured I am not actually friends with, featured due to coincidence.

If I have to...

Oyster (magazine) out of the blue asked me to write them something. This is what I did, out of boredom.

I had been out here for almost six hours now. I could feel the cold reaching into my gloves. It was the type of cold that made my shoulders hunch up, shielding against the piercing, bitter gusts through a

whiteout. I am swaying like clothes on a line. Maybe this was the last time I would go down even though it hadn't been like this on other days and probably wouldn't be like this again. This will be my last opportunity. Only thinking about that, I want to find someone there, even if I have to leave them, I want to find that person.

Looking down on to the town through what’s left of the visibility, I can see all the lights are on in all the houses. But there is nobody here. I know there are people down there; they are with each other because it's fun to be with it. Standing up here in the cold, I realise that I am on my own. I am not with anyone. I am on my own, left out in the cold, in a town with no people.

Choose the brightest future, mind the death and try to buy the better girls

I really, really like Metric.

I haven't liked a band that much since maybe RATM all those years ago.

This is really hard to type because I fear my right arm is broken and my shoulder has a really big lump on it. I am iced right now so the pain is bearable, I shouldn't type much.

So... videos in order

My arm really hurts, actually my whole body does.

I am breaking again :(

Goodbye, Horses.

Giving my mind a chance to rewind

I have not written anything in a while. I kind of forgot about my blogspot since tumblr made it so much easier.

I also actually cannot believe I did not blog about Japan either which is kind of weird, even more so it is detrimental because I cannot remember much, but I have photos so maybe I will document this in time before I forget / die.

So...

I have kind of given up on applying to any graduate work after reading many "profiles" of people who seem to base such a great working life solely on a single day (staff party) because they get to dress up and do activities I would probably not enjoy. There is also the issue / obligation of overtime which is n

ot paid for that I cannot commit to on the reason that I already have commitments to Ca$hMoneyBallaz (that is the round ball team) as well as UWASC (even though I haven't had a game yet because my coach forgot to add me to the team list [kind of gay]). So I guess for the time being I am destined to sit in Osborne Park taking screenshots of minesweeper and exploiting everything I get access to. There are also visual benefits of staying there like plastic love, alice, my first crush and then schmoph. I hope that last pseudonym makes it really hard for everyone (my 3 followers that I don't know) to guess who they are. I also kind of like not working full time, I don't think I could cope... but then I am not really going any where there.

I started using my LX3 again but I do not know where to go to take pictures yet, most of them will probably just be of Bibi with maybe some costumes on or her in various sleeping positions that are not conventional for a dog. But then I see some opportunistic snaps I could take when I run along the beach or randomly walk around Cott. I guess I only really bought it for Japan and ebay.

Right now, I have ice packs wrapped around both my feet, I suspect my right foot has a fracture or break some where because even without the ice packs I have not had any feeling in my big toe or instep for the past few days. It could just be nerve damage but I do not know. Perhaps I should consult a professional as most of my friends have given me rather weak remedies.

I wish more people I know or don't really know but wish I knew or used to know but don't really know anymore blogged so I could read about the intricacies of their lives. Or even just what they do from week to week. I do not know which people in particular though.

I have to go to bed now because I ha

ve to attend the workplace in several hours and I am very tired after playing round ball tonight and I have training again tomorrow night and I am already quite exhausted.

Maybe I should rest before I break again.

Puppy will fix me.

~Goodnight, Horses.

I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.

I remember when I was young, pre-primary sort of age maybe, I had so many material possessions - plastic weapons, figurines, trinkets, lego, child sized sporting goods and so forth.

I felt like I was so attached to all those items just because they were mine and formed part of what I would do in a day or a week or a month. Or maybe because I had to substitute them in as friends due to overprotective parents forbidding me from visiting the other children.

I must have had hundreds of things that at the time seemed like they meant so much to me.

Now, I maybe have a dozen possessions that I would consider integral to my day to day living, even still I feel like if I had to, I could part with them. I still have a lot of trinkets laying about, but really they don't do anything aside from fill up space. I would leave them here when I move out. I think my ideal room would be mostly empty. All these items don't mean much in the way of who I am because I don't even know what kind of identity I have, or even want.

I have no real belief in anything

I have no opinions on topical matters

I have no real taste

I dislike it when people say they like/dislike 'my style' - I just don't want to be naked in public

I would purge myself of most of my worldly belongings, but then banter from those within this abode on that tiresome concept waste not, want not would be somewhat troublesome.

I wonder what it feels like to be pertinent and have common sense.

I have been largely unsuccessful in securing a new career. I think it really has come down to my lack of presence in the interviews. I have no desperation nor anything resembling the desire to try. I guess this is where unemployment/poverty would help.

I wish I had a story to tell them, I must come off plain. But I guess it cannot be helped.

I'm not sure if I even want a job with my degree, or even full time work. I think I am doing too much to myself now, I am constantly exhausted. Not just physically, but my mind seems to be else where a lot of the time. I guess it is because I have people burdening me with their insignificant cries for attention/affection. People that I have no interest in.

I guess that is some motivation to try to succeed, so that I can have fresh people to trouble me and at least this way I know it will be for the future good.

I really do feel like a solo escape. I was thinking to Greece since the Euro seems to be plummeting upon the news of carious collapsing economies. But I feel I would be too timid to travel alone and it would be difficult to take photos featuring me, especially with the scenery the Cyclades has to offer. Ios seems like a nice island to visit.

I need more books to feed my mind. I purchased the remaining Salinger items, but I have already read them before. I need more in depth music to enrich my feelings too. I haven't felt anything from a song for a long while. But I guess there aren't many songs about what I think about or tend to feel.

I need to experience something / someone new.

I will wake up in this room and realise I am insane again.

~Goodbye, horses