I still have no idea why I am here again. But at least I think I am getting better at being here because I am participating and being with people even though 8 or 9 hours ago I decided not to be with people and chose to stay in my own head. But I am with people and was with people and found new people and some old people.
From back to front...
I think I just spend the last 2 hours standing in the cold apologising profusely to someone and explaining why I was so stupid once... I mean.. I am still stupid, but I try not to show it so much.. or let it be shown..
She called me insane.
She is right though, I am insane. But not in a clinically violent way... just.. in a different way. It does not make me special or different from any one else at all, I am not better or worse than any other person. I just still struggle to deal with some aspects of reality some times.. but I am getting better at it.
She called me insane. But I think she really did appreciate it. Appreciated what I had to say.. or maybe she just liked hearing my voice again since it had been so long.. maybe she really did want me to stay so she would not be waiting on her own at 4 or 5 in the morning.
I cannot tell you why. I can only guess. She won't tell me why.. I would not deserve to know why.
But that does not matter.
I was able to talk to someone who I would talk to all the time and see kind of regularly and that I really liked. Not that kind of crush like. That is liking for someone who you think they are or who you want them to be because you feel too embarrassed, too shy or are just too lame to talk to them and get to know them at all. So I really liked her.
I told her everything I wanted to tell her.
I want to tell you too.
I told her I was sorry for everything ill I had ever said. I said I was sorry for what I did after 06/01/2008. I made a stupid mistake and when I had no way back all I had was my less flattering, rude side. But not the normal rude. The malice one. I am slowly ridding myself.
I told her that she should not forgive me because I did not deserve it because all I was saying was just words and I have always been adamant that apologies were so empty. If it was meant, it would not have been needed in the first place.
I am still a hypocrite.
I told her that I really do miss being able to talk to her all the time and the countless texts and messages we would exchange and our meet ups in the city when we could both meet up after work. I miss reassuring her of how pretty she is.
But not that kind of made up pretty anyone can pull off with some faux layers.
I always meant that 5am pretty or the baby breath pretty. The kind of pretty where she does not even need to try and I still think she is pretty.
That is what I always meant.
She probably would not believe me now.
I only wanted to know one piece of knowledge though. I wanted to know if she hated me.
She would not answer me. But it is good she kept it. I do not deserve to know yet.
I have to make it up to her.
I still want to tell her she is pretty. But to her.
Further back.
I finally met someone that I had been wanting to meet for a terribly long time.
Even though the circumstances were kind of troublesome - a fire extinguisher being let off in a small room (they taste terrible by the way) and having to keep up with my friends, I still really enjoyed just meeting her.
I wanted to tell her a little more, some reassurances.
I wrote something brief for her anonymously via another intermediary.
She probably does not know it is me, but I hope she does one day. It would be nice for someone to know that and nice for me to know that someone knows that.
Almost at the start.
I think my habits are becoming worse.
I have been drink driving more or less every time I go out.
I am not sure if this is really classified as one of those problems where people intervene, it seems more like a problem with circumstance. Or maybe just not being near to where I want to be. But still...
I think it is really quite amazing how around certain people I can feel so comfortable because there are no immediate or troublesome restrictions. I should keep doing this. But I should not become reckless.
I think this is the start.
Ending Start.
Enjoy the show~
No comments:
Post a Comment