Empty out your stomachs

Taken from Saturday 09/07/2010 @ 2.41AM

I think I have just had one of the most confusing, not really surprising, enlightening nights I have had in a long time that I do not want to occur ever again for the position it puts me in.

I cannot comprehend some people, where they seem like they are really happy to be where they are and who they are there with... but they still do or try to do what someone in that situation would not or should not have crossing their mind.

I am really glad I did not consume enough toxins to be susceptible to it to a detrimental extent.

What is even more confusing is how it makes me feel, that two in one night would want to make that option.. and with me of all people. There were some backhanded compliments veiled in notions that I should be less of this and more of that, but I think they forget I have never been out to impress them or want anything from them. I will always be this way.

I think they have cost their friendships with me for the most part.

I know I will not enjoy being in their presence anymore. Or not as much as I used to.

I guess it is mostly not consequential even though I did partially succumb.

To think I turned one down to just give in, briefly, to the other.

And even more so, she had the audacity to say she was the one who considered a connection with me. Maybe she thought I thought she is the type that I am wanting to be connected to.

But she is not.

I wonder how that will affect their connection? I can see it coming.

They should not be surprised at my frozen expression when it does happen, if they could not see the ship sinking, then maybe they really are just like everybody else I did not want near me.

But I guess this is good for me, it is a way out for a time being. I still have one more there but she is okay. Confusing some times if we are actually friends as I think I might instill some misguided thoughts and impressions. But I try not to. But it is okay as there is a connection that should not be broken.

So, again. I am confused. But I am still happy with how this turned out I guess.

Pity it will not be remembered that I am socially okay outside of our employment dispensaries.

I wonder if that will give anything away. I hope so. I hope the world is watching because I can't seem to stop these assailants... maybe they are changing their faces.

I do wish someone else was there though.

It would have been nice to finally be able to talk to her.

I hate that I do not know anything about her.

I hate that I know that I do not have the initiative to do anything about it because for fear of disappointment... even though I know I will not be.

I have to go to sleep. Too many thoughts cause strange dreams.