Are you on my side?

I haven't had a best friend since I was in high school, the end of year 12 I think. It's probably been about five years since I've properly told anyone anything personal that troubles me, most attempts I make at venting to others are half-hearted because I don't trust anyone. I already know my 'friends' talk amongst themselves about each other, no one really keeps anything to themselves. Maybe this is the cause to my apathy, my severe detachment from anyone and my inability to let anyone know anything. I guess that's why I make out that I'm so boring, doing the same things every day. But I'm no one to give anyone what they need because I'm still learning how to live, to honestly look you in the eye, it's just easier for me to lie.

All I am is a useless collection of boring lies and empty metaphors made up over the years that stop me from ever getting any where. I've lost all ambition to do anything, nothing inspires me, nobody makes me feel for them and I haven't been left in awe at a sight for my eyes. It's so troublesome to even try to change myself, on my own.

I just want someone to think I'm perfect, to be the only one that could show me how to live, to bear the weight and push me to the sky, to let me do what's right when everything is wrong, when it's easier to run. I'll fill that space they make for me; try to be the one they want, try to be the way they want.

Goodbye, Horses.

Memories of companions from a summer flame, extinguished.

The more I distance myself from everything outside of myself and the necessities, the more I realise I don't need a lot of life's factors - the notable one being friends. For the most part, they are useless because they forget the least important times which mean the most to me because I have nil else to look forward to. I don't care about all the favours I've forced myself to do, all the unpleasant situations I've tolerated and all the idle small talk with strangers they expose me to, I was happy to do it because it made them happy or at least kept them sustained. But now, after my birthday and the mere 3 people remembering on their own (NB these three i rarely talk to) I know that I don't want to put myself through the troublesome scenes of what I used to call friends.

I'm content with this, I know who's worthwhile to me, I know who's used to my habits, likes and dislikes. I know who I want to still call friends, because they deserve it, even if my friendship in return isn't that much of a bona fide rarity.

Goodbye, "friends"; and
Goodbye, horses.

Frienemies

I guess on this date every year I find myself assessing who my friends are, I mean, which of my friends really are my friends.

Too many people become so concerned with time spent and words said, like quantity is the ultimate measure of a friends worth to yourself. Where placement in top friends determines how highly, lowly or no-ly ranked one is to another.

I don't want to be in anyone's top friends, it makes me wonder why i am above or below others, what they have that I don't, what I do that another doesn't. If talking and correspondence is all it takes to make it to a hero's section, then no one is anyone's hero, it's just what friends do.

For me, all i care about in a friend is that they remember the important aspects - birthdays, previous events, interests and so forth. I'm petty about those kind of things because no one ever seems to remember mine, no matter how close to me they think they are. But then it becomes somewhat distorted when those I used to know that i now barely know remember those aspects significant to me. I wonder: Why they are not my close friends? Why do I never see them? And, whatever happened to us?

This is probably why I don't trust anyone and find it so difficult to bring myself to make new friends, because I don't believe in friends anymore.

Unhappy birthday, Jason. For another year...

Goodbye, horses.