In a Graveyard

Do you know that circumstance where you have been expecting something for months because you have been confronted because it is an inevitability of life and the circle (or straight line (depending on your belief)) that it represents and even though you know the outcome because there is only one outcome that can be - you still do not know how to handle it?

I mean, despite all my experience, made up experience, rehearsing and practicing with the seclusion within my mind, I scroll through my Rolodex of emotions and reactions... and I have nothing. I know how I am supposed to feel by proxy of having experienced it in the presence of others, but I have nothing for it.

It is not that I have no idea how to feel, because I know how I am supposed to feel, it is just that I do not know how to present it in an outward manner. Is this good? Bad? Should I be proud that I am seemingly devoid of emotion? Should I be scared that I am building all of this up for one day when I just completely break down because I cannot handle it anymore? Should I be worried that maybe... maybe I really am a terrible person?

I thought about this on the car ride there, silently, with my Dad. Since we do not talk I just stared out the window thinking of this, because I thought I knew that I would show something.
I wanted to show something. Anything...
But finally faced with the inevitability I had absolutely nothing. Not even a word. Nothing. I had nothing to say. Nothing to show. Nothing came out. Nothing.

I saw tears, but I did not feel any.

On the car ride home, it was silent again.
All I could think about was this inner plague. Why I had nothing?
I had nothing to say. But then I seldom have anything to say to him.
I think the bridge was burnt beyond repair. He tried too hard.
I hate it when people try. They should just be normal.

I hate this detachment.
I hate myself for this. For not feeling anything.
It is not that I do not want to, I know I want to.
Maybe I am just scared of everything coming out and having no one there to help me.
I mean, I have all but one option as an outlet... a paper pad.
I hate that I have nothing significant.

I hate that I am going to bed without an answer.
I'm selfish... I hate this.

Going to a town...

The town with no people. I am not there anymore. I belong and I participate.
Because it's fun.

Four days a week I find myself at the same place, doing the same thing, with the same people, talking about the same things and the same people.

But... I do not want to have it any other way. Right now is how I want my future workplaces to feel.
I cannot understand the discomfort and insecurity others share with each other, but maybe that is because I really am immature.
I really do not attribute it down to that though.
I am surrounded by a handful of neutral figures I can confide in, easily, without having to worry about what I spill. I like that it is mutual and open. It really feels like I am paid to socialise all but for four hours of the week.

The sad thing is though, I do not want this to change and in retrospect I can see how this will adversely affect me in the future. It puts a burden on my ambition, my desperation, my goals and the future I want... or thought I wanted.

But I should stop worrying about what may or not happen and what I may or may not want to be. I keep thinking of the sunk cost, the six years spent (possibly wasted) because I did not think.

But I am happy now, with where I am and who I am here with and where I sit and lay my hat. That is all that should matter, right?
Added bonus is the candy, human candy, all day everyday.

Enemy of an enemy is a friend?

My preface - I will never understand the mentality of a human being whose seemingly sole purpose in socializing is to finish a night or weekend with an assault charge pending and I really, truly do believe I have a better grasp of the mind than an average person. Is this because my upbringing associates itself with labels like ‘elite’, ‘affluent’, ‘civil’ and so forth; and theirs…. Scum?

I have no idea.

My first meeting with, let’s call this fellow – ‘Scum’ was at One Movement on Saturday afternoon, I was at the VIP area, walking out to which he so politely asked “Do you need those glasses to see or something cunt?”. I casually smirked and ignored.
I can recall every aspects of this example of what the sewers would consider an alpha male in its purest:
• Unit T shirt
• Arnette Sunglasses hanging from the rear of the head
• Ripped denim billabong jeans (not fitted)
• Faux leather white pointed toe laceless shoes
• Barbed wire tattoo around both upper arms
• Two Pure Blonde beverages
I told my friends about this encounter, namely the question, nothing in detail as it made a nice little inside joke regarding myopia.

My second meeting with this fellow was, I guess on my former ‘home ground’ at Amplifier. I had not been there on a Saturday in a long time. My oh my how things have changed in the last few years (by the way I’m not one of those people who reminisce about how good Amps was back in the day since I used to go to Claremont all the time).

Sitting down with my feet up on a stool, I had my water on there. The sewer being approached me. Threw the water on the ground, picked up the stool and asked (told) me “You don’t need this right, I’ll just take it off you”. I muttered some profanity and he asked me if I had something to say – I smiled and reminded him not to drop it on his foot.
A girl sitting with the group apologized to me on their behalf.
Thoughtful… but probably meaningless.

Now, my favourite meeting. The third.
Leaving the establishment, I could not help but hear some girls screaming and some people yelling and some chairs being shuffled about loudly. At my amazement, I saw my favourite sewer being sitting down on a chair, holding his nose / face in general with blood coming down it and looking somewhat dazed.
After asking around for the circumstances, my dearest sewer being had told someone to get off a chair so he could use it and to his amazement, a refusal.
Threats were made and eventually he bit off more than he could chew. I wonder if it’s ironic that his assailant looked like he belonged in the same drainpipe, yet I had the utmost respect?

It was nice to see the universe balancing itself out and an indirect justice sort of served.
It is encounters like this that I yearn to leave this place, leave my friends, my family and be somewhere comfortable where I do not have to worry about every second person who takes a longer glance at me to whether or not I will have a physical confrontation to deal with.

But I guess that is life, so social, so physical, so emotional… so stay home.

Ballz

Taken from Sunday 18/09/2010 @ 2.08AM

This year I have looked forward to every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.

It's just after 2AM on Saturday night, well Sunday morning. I have just spent majority of the day and night with my team mates from football on our end of season wind up down at the club and at The Garden in Leederville.

I am not sure if it is just football or every team sport, but I just feel it is really hard to explain to anyone who does not love the sport, or any sport in general how much the training nights, game days and just sitting at home watching the premier league really mean to me.

I can easily say I love playing more than I love being with some of my friends because it actually means something to me.

Training with and playing in this team feels like it is the only time when I am alive. And I mean really alive. I am seldom passionate about anything in my life and even less so aggressive, but I think what I really feel is how happy I am.

I had a special mention in our presentation tonight from one of the senior players, noting that at the start of the season I was not quite up to the speed coming from Socials but I stuck it out and started going from coming on for a 20 minute cameo sub to regular starting team places. I even bagged my first hatrick in the amateurs.

Which brings me to that day.

It was 15/08/2010 and I was about to leave for my game when Dad asked where I was playing. Reluctantly I told him where and when (FYI: I do not like friends/family watching me play) we were playing and whom against.

Down at Subiaco change rooms our reserves coach was going through the lineup, I thought I was destined for the bench again which I had been comfortable with since my persistent injuries prevent me from seeing out the 90 minutes. In passing, the coach mentioned some players who were starting who barely come to training, arrive late or sometimes never even show up. He then made allusion to myself always being at every training and being on time for every game - Mr. Reliable.

I was named on the bench.

Just before we were walking out, he told me I would get to start and he wanted me to score some goals.

At kickoff it was more or less the first play of the game. The ball was taken down the right side, crossed in and I met it with my head (eyes closed -_-) and scored the first goal in under 2 minutes. It was great because a lot of the firsts were down there and my Dad was right behind the goals watching too. I do not think I have heard more people shout "Jasoooonnn Deruuuuuloooooo" at a half Asian. My First

Not much time passed before another similar cross came in, this time along the ground and from about 6 yards out i slotted it into the top left corner. I just ran around with a smile and jumped with a hand in the air past the bench and fellow club mates. My Second

In the second half we were a little lackluster and Subiaco clawed back two goals (BTW I neglected to mention goals others scored, we were 4-0 up at HT) which was kind of surprising to us. Another ball was crossed from the right, but closer to the keeper. He spilled it and I was there to pounce on a scrambled tap in. My Hatrick

I was so happy because I had not done this in amateurs before and I never thought I was do it in my first season.

After the game I was put in the middle whilst we sang our song and threw water around.

So it is days, moments, triumphs and personal accolades like these which make me feel really happy and fulfilled to belong and participate. Which is why I reiterate that if you do not belong to a team sport or really follow any team game, it is hard to feel what I have felt this whole season and why I want to keep coming back every season for as long as I can.

I wish I had not lost my team photo tonight though, I was going to scan it and put it at the bottom. Maybe Ryan will scan one for me. I will find others.

I have to go to sleep. I threw up not long ago.

Empty out your stomachs

Taken from Saturday 09/07/2010 @ 2.41AM

I think I have just had one of the most confusing, not really surprising, enlightening nights I have had in a long time that I do not want to occur ever again for the position it puts me in.

I cannot comprehend some people, where they seem like they are really happy to be where they are and who they are there with... but they still do or try to do what someone in that situation would not or should not have crossing their mind.

I am really glad I did not consume enough toxins to be susceptible to it to a detrimental extent.

What is even more confusing is how it makes me feel, that two in one night would want to make that option.. and with me of all people. There were some backhanded compliments veiled in notions that I should be less of this and more of that, but I think they forget I have never been out to impress them or want anything from them. I will always be this way.

I think they have cost their friendships with me for the most part.

I know I will not enjoy being in their presence anymore. Or not as much as I used to.

I guess it is mostly not consequential even though I did partially succumb.

To think I turned one down to just give in, briefly, to the other.

And even more so, she had the audacity to say she was the one who considered a connection with me. Maybe she thought I thought she is the type that I am wanting to be connected to.

But she is not.

I wonder how that will affect their connection? I can see it coming.

They should not be surprised at my frozen expression when it does happen, if they could not see the ship sinking, then maybe they really are just like everybody else I did not want near me.

But I guess this is good for me, it is a way out for a time being. I still have one more there but she is okay. Confusing some times if we are actually friends as I think I might instill some misguided thoughts and impressions. But I try not to. But it is okay as there is a connection that should not be broken.

So, again. I am confused. But I am still happy with how this turned out I guess.

Pity it will not be remembered that I am socially okay outside of our employment dispensaries.

I wonder if that will give anything away. I hope so. I hope the world is watching because I can't seem to stop these assailants... maybe they are changing their faces.

I do wish someone else was there though.

It would have been nice to finally be able to talk to her.

I hate that I do not know anything about her.

I hate that I know that I do not have the initiative to do anything about it because for fear of disappointment... even though I know I will not be.

I have to go to sleep. Too many thoughts cause strange dreams.

Careful days..

After coming very close to losing everything I have ever written in my whole life on two occasions in the last couple of months, I have decided to start transcribing more items to be published on the interweb so that if I do lose their physical or stored presence, I will still have them in cyberspace some where.

Also, I get to share it with the handful of people that sometimes like to read the nothing I have written about.

Please donut question the health of my mental state though.

I'm not insane, just impolite.

I am no where .. and it is now morning

Taken from Saturday 11/9/2010 @ 5.39AM

I still have no idea why I am here again. But at least I think I am getting better at being here because I am participating and being with people even though 8 or 9 hours ago I decided not to be with people and chose to stay in my own head. But I am with people and was with people and found new people and some old people.

From back to front...

I think I just spend the last 2 hours standing in the cold apologising profusely to someone and explaining why I was so stupid once... I mean.. I am still stupid, but I try not to show it so much.. or let it be shown..

She called me insane.

She is right though, I am insane. But not in a clinically violent way... just.. in a different way. It does not make me special or different from any one else at all, I am not better or worse than any other person. I just still struggle to deal with some aspects of reality some times.. but I am getting better at it.

She called me insane. But I think she really did appreciate it. Appreciated what I had to say.. or maybe she just liked hearing my voice again since it had been so long.. maybe she really did want me to stay so she would not be waiting on her own at 4 or 5 in the morning.

I cannot tell you why. I can only guess. She won't tell me why.. I would not deserve to know why.

But that does not matter.

I was able to talk to someone who I would talk to all the time and see kind of regularly and that I really liked. Not that kind of crush like. That is liking for someone who you think they are or who you want them to be because you feel too embarrassed, too shy or are just too lame to talk to them and get to know them at all. So I really liked her.

I told her everything I wanted to tell her.

I want to tell you too.

I told her I was sorry for everything ill I had ever said. I said I was sorry for what I did after 06/01/2008. I made a stupid mistake and when I had no way back all I had was my less flattering, rude side. But not the normal rude. The malice one. I am slowly ridding myself.

I told her that she should not forgive me because I did not deserve it because all I was saying was just words and I have always been adamant that apologies were so empty. If it was meant, it would not have been needed in the first place.

I am still a hypocrite.

I told her that I really do miss being able to talk to her all the time and the countless texts and messages we would exchange and our meet ups in the city when we could both meet up after work. I miss reassuring her of how pretty she is.

But not that kind of made up pretty anyone can pull off with some faux layers.

I always meant that 5am pretty or the baby breath pretty. The kind of pretty where she does not even need to try and I still think she is pretty.

That is what I always meant.

She probably would not believe me now.

I only wanted to know one piece of knowledge though. I wanted to know if she hated me.

She would not answer me. But it is good she kept it. I do not deserve to know yet.

I have to make it up to her.

I still want to tell her she is pretty. But to her.

Further back.

I finally met someone that I had been wanting to meet for a terribly long time.

Even though the circumstances were kind of troublesome - a fire extinguisher being let off in a small room (they taste terrible by the way) and having to keep up with my friends, I still really enjoyed just meeting her.

I wanted to tell her a little more, some reassurances.

I wrote something brief for her anonymously via another intermediary.

She probably does not know it is me, but I hope she does one day. It would be nice for someone to know that and nice for me to know that someone knows that.

Almost at the start.

I think my habits are becoming worse.

I have been drink driving more or less every time I go out.

I am not sure if this is really classified as one of those problems where people intervene, it seems more like a problem with circumstance. Or maybe just not being near to where I want to be. But still...

I think it is really quite amazing how around certain people I can feel so comfortable because there are no immediate or troublesome restrictions. I should keep doing this. But I should not become reckless.

I think this is the start.

Ending Start.

Enjoy the show~