Indecision: the graveyard of my intentions

I am supposed to be, along with every individual to have lived, is living and will live an amalgam of everything they know and cherish. What we are exposed to and attracted to as a child is supposed to influence the adults we are to become. These influences feed off each other and are intertwined until you have realised that you have become the product of every connected experience and passion you have had - finally realising that every single second of your living days matters and shapes you. Some people are focussed, thus drawing them to a single direction. For others, this is not the case.

I find myself everyday reflecting on the different personalities exhibited to the different groups, wondering why I cannot be one for all. It's not lying... it's just creating, acting or performing... maybe it is lying through a medium. Through all the years of travelling, diaries and blogs that have long since been deleted or lost which contained the contents of my head and heart while I wandered through a life where I have felt that I have had neither.

I have started meeting new people regularly, even complete strangers, but it is the next day where I don't know what to do, because from an early age I was so sheltered from socialising. I

maintained a single friend at a time throughout primary school, and only towards the end of primary school is where I was allowed to be influenced into what would shape my tastes. But was it all too late?

I think back to then when I had a life of recluse and was a problematic child, where I did not know how to behave, I did not know how to socialise and I did not know what was normal. If the experiences I had as a child are to influence who I am today... am I any different to what I was 15 years ago?

It does not feel like it.

I still spend most of my time alone, wondering what if I had this, if I was that, if I was with them, or with her? Wondering what could be if I instinctively knew what I was meant to do.

This collection I have of experiences, ability and even passion that makes up my individuality seems like it is full of contradictions in my own case. I am a basket of binary opposites.

I am different from the rest, but not in the sense of a cliche that everyone is a unique individual.

I meant, I am different from the rest of the unique individuals. I am something else. But I do not know what. It negatively reassures me that I am going to be by myself, misguided and indecisive until I find that out.

But, this indecision will be the seedling, ultimately of my own fear of finding out.

This is who I am.

This is who I have been for always.

These are my days.

This is how they stay.

This is who I am, this is who I will remain forever.

It's twice now

I am no good at really keeping friends, even when I make them, I'm still no good at maintaining anything because I'm not sure how to. I think unless they make the effort first, I just assume anyone new immediately dislikes me with reason, I probably give enough reasons - I don't know whether they are justified or not.

The second effort isn't troublesome, it's just I think I would rather not be let down. I mean, I always have low expectations upon anything unknown, but then I get unreasonably attached for no reason once I'm there and interest piqued.

I think I will forgo more friendship opportunities this Winter and current ships will be sunk, if not already.

I have found another flaw.

Good bye, Horses~

Dearly dear...

I have figured out that there are a lot of people that have my information available to them, but I have no contact with. I decided to cut, so far, 318 people out of me. I think I have just realised that I do not like you, that I do not want to keep up the pretenses of pretending that I am interested in you because of somewhat self indulgent tenancies. I guess it just comes down to it that I am bored, bored with you or with myself that I have to be so petty. My final realisation is that having you associated with me is not part of my only aspiration - happy.

I am indirectly letting you know, should you for some reason decide to visit me here. I do not mean any offense, but in case you were wondering why you cannot read about me, you have a generic explanation here. But really I do not care and probably do not like you.

As for everyone else who's calls I pick up, messages I reply to and conversations I converse in - I think I enjoy your presence with me. I am not anti-people, just... I'm not a great person.

Below are some nice things recently*.

*Note: some people featured I am not actually friends with, featured due to coincidence.