I sabotage myself, I mean for the most part of my life I know I do. I don't want anything to happen with anyone in any event for any reason.
But in consolation I just drown it all out nowadays, drown it and cover it up because I don't want it. I guess that's not really a consolation, or maybe I just didn't mean to type that because I'm trailing off into something else.
My consolation was.. is that there's probably one or two things worth anything to me.
This excerpt (in actuality a whole song.. rather) sums current mood.
*Deep breath*
Two to one
Static to the sound of you and I
Undone for the last time
And there this was
Hiding at the bottom of your
Swimming pool some September
And don't you think
I wish I could stay
Your lips give you away
I can hear it, the jet engine
Through the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I'd
Prefer not to be rescued
Two to none
Roads that lead away from this
I'm following myself just this once
And I've got spun
It appears you're spun as well
It happens when you pay attention
This could take all year, but
When it's quiet, does she hear me?
Jettisoned to the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I
Prefer not to be rescued
Oh, I can feel her, she's dying
Just to keep me cool
I'm finally numb, so please
Don't get me rescued... rescued...
And it's unclear
But this may be my last song
Oh, I, I can tell
She's raising hell to give to me
She got me warm
So please don't get me rescued
Oh, say you'll miss me one last time
I'll be strong, but whatever you do
Please don't get me rescued...
'Cause I'm feeling like
I might need to be near you
And I feel alright, so please
Don't get me rescued...
------------------------------------------------------
I'll keep lying awake at night.. and lying for the days.
Sorry, again.
Goodbye, Horses.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Words drowned by fireworks
Twenty odd floors up, 23:48pm. A different country, a different city, a different place.
I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight, and I have always been too weak to follow dreams in a lifetime. For the first time in a long time I can say I want to try to change, to overcome each moment in my own way. It isn't like I am giving up, I'm just trying not to overthink as much as I used to - I'm not as stubburn as as I seem (knuckle meets concrete). I feel helpless for the most part but I am learning to open my eyes more, but the sad truth of the matter is I will never get over it, but I'll try. Never seems like a lonely, little, messed up word. I want to get back on track.
Even if it kills me.
My holiday ends tomorrow, but it hasn't really been a holiday, it's been somewhat plagued by the troublesome. The shopping and away-from-it-all kind of makes the scales a little more balanced though. I didn't take many pictures this trip as I wanted to, but I guess all the pictures you've seen before, sights and seeing doesn't change too much here, excluding the high rises. I met one of the most troublesome (annoying) people ever. In brief, he places no value towards affluence, not even a little on desire in general. I mean, I can respect that, you know if you're a Monk/Priest or someone dedicated to a life without the need to want. But this guy is beyond that, given his background, it seems he is free of desire because he has no means to achieve it (NB lack of abilities).
When I get back I have to start work in a new area, I'll be hassling people and I'm not really looking forward to it. I really regret turning down that interview with Boffins, it would've been really useful toward the future even at a less pay. I guess that brings up the value of affluency separating me from aforementioned individual. Ahh, I guess it can't be helped. I'll feel bad quitting because I don't like it, but I don't want to be where I do not want to be - it's troublesome.
I was thinking I could open a shop here after I graduate. Rent shop space in the soon to be constructed Claremont shopping complex, buy bulk amounts of clothing from where ever shopkeeps here get it. The cost to buy it must be next to nothing (in terms of $AUD) seeing as T shirts were bargained down to about 20RM (about $8AUD) and anything here with a print on it starts at about $50. I could make an easy 500% profit, assuming people enjoy the designs.
On the downside... I'm sick of making lists of things I'll never start or finish. I need support. Not financial, just someone to tell me I can do it, that I should do it - and mean it, too.
I sure do want to get back on track;
I should do whatever it takes;
Even if it kills me.
Goodbye, Horses.
I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight, and I have always been too weak to follow dreams in a lifetime. For the first time in a long time I can say I want to try to change, to overcome each moment in my own way. It isn't like I am giving up, I'm just trying not to overthink as much as I used to - I'm not as stubburn as as I seem (knuckle meets concrete). I feel helpless for the most part but I am learning to open my eyes more, but the sad truth of the matter is I will never get over it, but I'll try. Never seems like a lonely, little, messed up word. I want to get back on track.
Even if it kills me.
My holiday ends tomorrow, but it hasn't really been a holiday, it's been somewhat plagued by the troublesome. The shopping and away-from-it-all kind of makes the scales a little more balanced though. I didn't take many pictures this trip as I wanted to, but I guess all the pictures you've seen before, sights and seeing doesn't change too much here, excluding the high rises. I met one of the most troublesome (annoying) people ever. In brief, he places no value towards affluence, not even a little on desire in general. I mean, I can respect that, you know if you're a Monk/Priest or someone dedicated to a life without the need to want. But this guy is beyond that, given his background, it seems he is free of desire because he has no means to achieve it (NB lack of abilities).
When I get back I have to start work in a new area, I'll be hassling people and I'm not really looking forward to it. I really regret turning down that interview with Boffins, it would've been really useful toward the future even at a less pay. I guess that brings up the value of affluency separating me from aforementioned individual. Ahh, I guess it can't be helped. I'll feel bad quitting because I don't like it, but I don't want to be where I do not want to be - it's troublesome.
I was thinking I could open a shop here after I graduate. Rent shop space in the soon to be constructed Claremont shopping complex, buy bulk amounts of clothing from where ever shopkeeps here get it. The cost to buy it must be next to nothing (in terms of $AUD) seeing as T shirts were bargained down to about 20RM (about $8AUD) and anything here with a print on it starts at about $50. I could make an easy 500% profit, assuming people enjoy the designs.
On the downside... I'm sick of making lists of things I'll never start or finish. I need support. Not financial, just someone to tell me I can do it, that I should do it - and mean it, too.
I sure do want to get back on track;
I should do whatever it takes;
Even if it kills me.
Goodbye, Horses.
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