Taste my hatred

It feels like so little time has passed since I was writing myspace blogs about my friends and people I had met.

I haven’t written about anyone in a long time. But I guess that is because I haven’t let any one come near enough for me to write about. I mean, to really write about. Not just a how we met or first impression. I think I like to only write pieces about beautiful people. But not in the shallow sense, like on the outside. But all over.

I am still writing for myself, sometimes. But I think my purpose has been lost because I had run out of things to write about… or people. Now I find myself at the mercy of strangers that I have volunteered my services for. But I do not care about them, so I cannot bring myself to try. Because I do not care.

I want to be able to write with a purpose again. Write about something or someone that makes me feel like I should or because they have asked me to, not just because someone has told me to for no reason.

I wish I could find copies of those old pieces I did. I think they would make me happy again. But most of those people I wrote about are not even in my life anymore. I can remember all of them. The ones that still are, I think I really value them a lot. Even if I seldom show it, I think they know that they do mean something to me. Something more than just a name.

There are new people, but I don’t know them yet. Maybe I do want to know them. Maybe I do not. I cannot tell. Indecision is my worst friend. I think it makes me think I hate a lot of things. But I am just confused.

Thorns

I think the fact that I am a prick detracts others from me. Knowing this and continuing, does this make me arrogant?

I have been told I am (particularly on enlightenment night) but it was not a revelation.

I do not go out enough or have enough friends that it would make me want to behave, even for something long term and reportedly one of the purposes of life.

I guess I just use this as an excuse to keep new people away from me so I don't have to go out. I think they take it personally, but it is not against them. It is against me. I must be very frustrating.

Can't everyone just see it as a challenge or a beware sign and sample at your own risk?

Worst case scenario - you will be back where you started with something new to tell your friends, friends that I will never meet.

If I ever apologise, I am probably lying. Unless, of course, I actually mean it.

I would be a very pleasant computer illiterate mute.

So what if you catch me?

It's exactly like you said - "All I am is what I'm going after next".

I travel a lot, you asked me if it makes me lonely. I told you before that I am alone, but I am not lonely.

I cannot find myself being with you, because I have not found myself yet. I'm not going after the next actress or model, trying to find the one. I am trying to find myself, who I want to be. The last person that I want to be. Forever and ever.

You asked me what more I wanted you to be. What would make you perfect?

But, I don't think you understand. There is nothing wrong with you. There is no such thing as perfection. If there was, everything and everyone would be ordinary. No alarms. No surprises.

A life full of routine. And from that we lose the power of speech.

But... maybe I'm just so mistaken that I have lost my direction that I want to go this different way because I really don't want to belong. Belong to anything. Belong with anyone. Now every day I wonder... wonder if I am wrong?

I will not make it to see us because whatever happens is supposed to.

But so what if you do catch me? Where would we be? Where would we go?

I would just be in somebody else's life taking your hand.

You'll make up your problems and tell me to solve them but I will just spend my time up in my own head.

What will be your point?

Maybe we should just keep thinking we could be like this picture and share the feeling.

I can see us changing but everyone will taste your hatred.

But I don't have the answer, we can still pretend you are carried away in your own dress with me... but I'll just disappear with some other actress, like I had promised.

Until we meet again... enjoy yourself.

Earth Wanders Guide To.......

HAPPINESS!

So basically I am going to write a guide that covers the following topics of happiness:

1. How happy are you?

2. Keys to happiness.

3. Ways to be happy.

This is not really a generalisation for everyone to follow, it is more so related to me. So, I guess, if you are like me it might work. But probably not if you have read beyond this.

Part One: How are you?

Firstly

happy

-adjective

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.

2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frameof mind.

I guess normal people (who are happy) would probably describe it as a state of their being - being in love, being balanced, being peaceful, being fulfilled, being gratuitous for what they have. It must be this awareness of happiness which assists them toward the being of happy.

After some trolling on facebook/tumblr for people who's Bio's have the word happy or words synonymous with happy in them, I have discovered the indicators to assess whether one is happy or not. People feel happy when they have:

1. A fulfilling relationship (i.e. love/heaps of sex without love)
2. Employment that is satisfying in the short term (e.g. heaps of money), offers a career (e.g. development & training) or both.
3. Consistent health and energy
4. A variety of interests to use point 3.
5. Friends

Combined, it seems that these people all express a positive (sometimes annoying) attitude to life, speaking of challenges as opportunities to learn and grow (they probably don't see it that way but I do).

I delved into unhappy people on facebook/tumblr as well, not including myself because I am not unhappy (I am just really bored all the time) to dissect to offer a contrast. People who are unhappy feel that way because they:

1. Feel like victims (I don't know what of, privacy settings forbid me from delving)
2. View life with a bleak and often limited perspective
3. Blame others
4. Blame their circumstance
5. Lack humour

I think a way to which one may gauge their happiness/level of happiness is to review yourself and see if you feel like a charm for others.

charm

–noun

1.a power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty: charm of manner; the charm of a mountain lake.

2. a trait or feature imparting this power.

3. charms, attractiveness.

Attraction seems to be the theme here. Not physically perhaps, but the person that you are. Do you attract people with ease through being your general self? If so, you are probably a happy person that others enjoy being around.

Apparently John Lennon said something along the lines of “Everything is clearer when you are in love”. Maybe happiness is as simple/terrifying as that.

Part Two: Keys.

The state of being happy seems to be a free will choice, one chooses to be happy, sad, miserable, a prick, a really nice person etc. So I guess the first key is...

Commit to being happy

Recognise that there is a choice to being happy and affirm to yourself that it is your own right, not a privilege. But this goes beyond just saying to yourself “today iyam going to be happy”. Search and discover what makes you a happy person; make them a priority in your life (i.e. if friends make you happy, don’t avoid them). Everyone, in one way or another, knows what brings them various emotions and feelings, it really just comes down to whether a person will admit to it and give themselves permission to do or experience it.

Keep an open mind

A free mind will allow one to expose themself to opportunities and provide a unique perspective on life (re: don’t view life with a bleak and limited perspective). Don’t be hesitant to try new, strange looking oriental foods with a lot of sambal, just because they look like they might make you throw up, they are actually really tasty (once you get used to it). Food makes people happy. Worst case scenario, the sambal will make you clear your bowels the next day.

Be healthy

This is probably the only key I commit to because it is easy, it is actually easy to feel happy when you know you do have vitality when you are feeling ill (I get sick a lot). Play team sport. Aside from feeling like you belong to someone and are striving for a goal, the bonus out of it is that you get to stay fit with regular exercise.

Keep a balanced diet too. It is not overly hard to buy and eat fresh produce provided you have some idea how to shop and use the internet.

If you are tired or stress, just take a break, relax and meditate.

RainyMood.com

Is probably one of my most visited favourites. Even up there with Tumblr.

Humour

Be funny, act funny and laugh at yourself all the time, especially where situations are testing. There are so many clichés about life being a challenge but I guess that’s why they become clichés – because they are common. There really is a great quirk about life. Seeing and exploiting that will make your days seem that much more tolerable, if not even enjoyable. It is also a really pleasant healing force because it shatters everything that may seem detrimental at that moment.

VALUE YOURSELF

What’s the point in being happy if you do not find anything to be happy about internally? You should treat yourself like you would the most important aspect in your life (person, pet, antique treasure). Mistakes will come and go, so be kind to yourself, because they are fleeting. When there’s success, celebrate and hold on to it. It’s like in gambling – nobody brags about how much they lose, just all the cash they take from everyone else. I guess the same can be said for anything that carries win/loss aspect to it.

Part Three: Ways

I think if I was truly happy, I would possess all or most of the following aspects. They are not in any particular order, just as they come to mind more or less.

1. Don’t take everything so seriously.
2. Political and historical awareness. People have died for what they believe in, even if the solution was not to their satisfaction. Everyone should have the opportunity to be heard.
3. Come outside. Do something abnormal relative to your normal. Read a book about cheese, go to a gallery displaying hetro/homo erotic depictions, attend a cause for something you don’t know about. You might broaden your horizons. Worst case scenario, you have a good topic of conversation for a couple of weeks.
4. Rescue a pet and make it your own (get it vaccinated first though).
5. Don’t cut ties. Keep in contact with your friends, even if they are not that close. One of my biggest regrets to date is that after high school I did not make the effort. I have no clear group of friends. I have no best friends. I have two solid friendships left from school. I would think those who can genuinely say they are always happy commit time to family and friends. It must feel good to belong somewhere.
6. Eat well. Because it becomes you. Vitamins & minerals are lovely. Processed food is horrid. Inner shine equates to exterior glow.
7. Confidence. Value your abilities because without them you may as well be no one.
8. Accept the way the world works. But don’t necessarily sit around and watch it occur in front of you. There are aspects that are out of your control and that you may not agree with be it physics, religion, law & order (great show btw) or the forces of attraction. Accept what’s happened and what’s happening, but try to make it happen the way you would like it too. I think that was a proverb.
9. Find balance. Have a disciplined and skilful approach to life. Remove destructive mental states from your life and replace them with those synonymous to positivity. It will cultivate happiness.
10. Be different. I think this is one of the few ways I have maintained some happy sanity. Those who stand out are noticed, they will go places because they do not spend much time judging. What good is your life if you spend it deconstructing others?
11. It’s okay to brag. Occasionally though. But not for your pride, just show that you are grateful for your abilities and security.
12. Have goals. It gives you something to do. Bonus, there is a reward when achieved.
13. Get your finances in order. Not as if you were dying, but in the short term. Nobody likes to live in financial turmoil nor waste away their youth scrolling through photo albums on facebook of people’s holidays.
14. Be active. I have found that playing sport 3-4 times a week has made me a much more vocal, confident and balanced person. It can be frustrating and disappointing from time to time, but it is severely outweighed knowing that you are keeping healthy. According to various articles I have read, it also releases endorphins that contribute to feelings of self satisfaction and exhilaration – the “runner’s High”.
15. Be immature. Be a child again, carelessly reveal your emotions or inner schizophrenia. Make your mum the centre of the world. Anything that makes you forget your 24 and at work.
16. Hugs. Hugs are grate.
17. Work hard. Nothing will fall in your lap unless you deserve it. Dreams don’t come true by staying in bed all day.
18. Music. Music is an expression of the world the artist comes from. It also has this uncanny feeling of empathy, making one feel like the song was made for your.
19. Don’t dwell. Petty squabbles are not worth the years of time and memories one would jeopardise. Trust me.
20. Tell the truth. Lying is for the miserable and a constant reminder of who you are not and who you wish you could be.
21. Take pictures. I am really envious of the children and teens these days with picture taking coming so easily. Film camera’s were great and all but so hard to share and maintain.
22. Value your time. Don’t waste away at home achieving nothing. If you really have nothing to do, spend it meditating or doing yoga in your room. Practice dance routines on youtube in time for the weekend. (I don’t do this that much btw).
23. Be simple. I really like looking at how much money I have saved by being really basic.
24. Let it out. I don’t have many people to confide in. In fact I am sure I have no one. My blog is the only place I can let it out. And from time to time it does get to me when I write. But that’s okay. Express your emotions and prevent the build up of tension and inner chaos. It’s not worth it.
25. Re-think your characteristics. I mean, it is great and all to appear mysterious but don’t be a self indulged prick. It is not attractive.
26. The long-term. I place very little value on big nights out or a really expensive car. The value on both is fleeting and depreciable, respectively. You will realise it is only temporary happiness when these things make your day and not your life.
27. Know who you are. Be at peace with yourself, happiness is to experience the essence and expression of your meaning.
28. Learn. Language, martial arts, web design, photography. Impress others.
29. Understand sadness. Do not underestimate or ignore it. If anything, it will remind you of how blissful it is to feel joy. Being able to experience all spectrums of feelings and having the resilience to deal with them is imperative.
30. Hang out with old people. I really enjoy some of the older birds at work. Knowing that they can put up with me and that I can talk to them (it’s not really a conversation, just them listening to me) and hear their stories provides for valuable lessons and guidance for the future.
31. Be nice. Sunshine for others means sunshine for yourself. Everyone loves being tanned right?
32. Travel. Engrossing yourself in another culture is a treat. The food, the people, the goods and the lifestyle. Just knowing that no work awaits you the next day during this time in your life will make you appreciate of what you have and the future potential.
33. Stars. Forever be the sceptic. Not only are they one of the most beautiful sights with a tilt of the neck, there’s always something about the diamonds strewn across a dark blanket conveying a lifetime of endless possibilities. Remember, you are part of an infinite universe.

Love. Find it. A partner, a child, a friend or a pet. Just find it. Waking up with or knowing that you have someone there when you need that pick up in the worst of worst will be a joy in the best. I feel like it would be the best feeling in the world. Being able to tell someone that, everyday.

I do not think it wise for me to tick what I have and don't have. But I know that regardless of however I make out to feel or be, that I am happy.

But I guess you really want to know what happiness is right? Well it is waking up in the middle of the night for no good reason, shifting under the blankets awkwardly and feeling the heat of the person next to you. Without even thinking, you turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent and vulnerable state. They keep breathing as though the weight of the world lays on anyone else's shoulders but their own. You smile to them and for yourself, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and the muscles form an involuntary grin on your own face. In that moment you feel an arm wrap around your waist. You know it does not get any better than this.

So,

Lovingly yours,

Jasian