I am in a white bathroom wearing a white bathroom sitting in a white bath tub.
I can see the bulge under my eyes that insomnia and paranoia has marked me with. I can see the gaunt structure my face has become. I am a skeleton.
With the water at my neck I can feel the world at my feet, I can't help but sink further into a liquid vortex. I am underwater, for now it is completely silent around me, but inside I can still hear my thoughts.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Is all I hear.
Why am I here? Why am I doing this? Why am I alone again? Why did I come here?
I can feel myself fading away, I want to submerge and breathe in my life, but there is nothing compelling me to. The silence makes it's way inside me. I have no more thoughts.
It's so quiet in here... but I can hear a faint beating like a hammer. Underwater, I can hear my heartbeat. I open my eyes in the water, all I can see is blue, all I can hear is the thumping.
I nearly didn't notice this gentlest of feelings.
I pull myself up for air, gasping. I am alive.
It's tearing me apart, I cannot sleep.
But if this is the way it is, then this is the way it is.
I wake up in a room and I realise that I am insane again.
-
I think I will hang on to everyone that I have now, I seem balanced. No more troubling mood swings or severe bouts of depression. I haven't attempted anything in a while now. It feels good. I am learning to deal with everything normally, like a normal person. I still don't talk to anyone about it. I have to keep it to myself. I couldn't bear the interrogation if I told anyone. I have to keep it to myself, it is my own burden. But I am happy for now, I shouldn't worry about how I feel in the future. it's not important. I have pleasant inputs now. It feels good. I am feeling fine, feeling good.
You are my bluest light.
