A snake slithered into the ring, with no absence of malice

I guess I should call this an update.

Right now it's January 1st 2009, 12:01 A.M.
This is how I spent my new years, at home, mostly in my living room with no one in the house, minus my dog. It's just another night in a long string of many where I don't want to talk to anyone, let alone see them - especially friends; I can honestly say I have next to nothing in common with anyone I barely socialise with nowadays. I know it all stems from where I see myself in the future. I know I'm going to turn into my Dad, a friendless nothing with a family that holds mostly disdain towards him. This bleak outlook is the reason why I don't want to trouble myself with effort in return for nothing; the person I will become is inevitable, why waste my time? I'm just going to let you down.

Five years ago I didn't think I'd be spending nights like this alone, writing to no one. Maybe I just really miss what I used to be, and the people I used to be with. Everyone's grown up now though and moved on to their respective paths, and they're all probably still friends. I know why I'm still here, I'm clinging on to the past, thinking about all the things I should have done differently, things I should've done right so that I wouldn't have to make excuses for myself now, so that I wouldn't be constantly alone. I don't even know what I want, indecisive is projected in everything I do, I mean, I've been at uni for 5 years now doing the same 3 year degree, and I still have a year left. I've wasted my life because I don't know what I want to do, I've wasted friends because I couldn't decide who to be and I guess the biggest thing... I'm wasting my future because I have no will to change it.

I'm going to stop dwelling for a bit and do a real update.

SO

I had a girlfriend for a little over a month, it didn't work out. I didn't get a reason for the breakup, although I just assumed it was because I didn't see her for two weeks during my exams. But honestly, she took the initiative to do what I had wanted to do since the second week we had started seeing each other. I couldn't see us together, so I probably (inadvertently) sabotaged us so that she could take the higher ground and do the breaking. My only regret is the loss of a postal service shirt. But that's just the price for no control over anything; or maybe for just being a jerk.

I started a new job in December, it seems alright. The pay is decent. The people are not as irritating as city beach, but the social and talent factor really suck. It's probably the trade-off for the higher wage compared to city beach.

I think I'll make new years' resolutions in this. But I really can't think of anything I would want to accomplish, aside from not end up like my Dad, but that's more of a long term effort that I should just do anyway.
Okay, my first resolution will be to publish the blog more often, even though I have no loyally interested readers; that are known to me anyway.
My second one will be to... I need help with decisions.
I'll come back to this in another blog's time.

Maybe I should make one about creating more ties to people, or at least fixing severed ones. Forgotten friends would probably have no interest in befriending me now, or maybe they'd think I have an alterior motive and just end up being the jerk I used to be. I don't know why it's so hard for me to be regular and average. It could be all the social (anti) conditioning Mum drilled into me growing up, telling me that I shouldn't bother with friends because they'd never be there, or because I can't trust them. It's probably why I found it so easily to deceive everyone with lies so easily uncoverable. I shouldn't blame my parents, but I know because of their over-protective and lying nurturing I am this underweight, anti-social jerk that doesn't want anyone to be any where near him. I don't even know why I keep going to the gym, it's impossible for me to put on weight or muscle because I had none of it to begin with, making it even harder. I wasn't allowed to play any sport in primary school which severely stunted any development, nor was I even allowed at people's houses, which explains all the short-lived "best friends" I went through my whole life (thus far). Thinking about it... I should blame them. I should execute retribution to end their lives for stunting the growth of mine. This could be used against me should I ever goto court for any attempts. Truth be told, I don't care. I may as well have nil to look forward to.

It's funny how whenever I write in my blog I think of someone in particular that got me into blogging. Even though I rarely get to speak to her, let alone see her, this bonified rarity actually makes me smile (once in a while). Even though it was only two weeks, I actually felt a future, one brighter than I would imagine for myself now. It seems like a mystery how one girl will actually drive me crazy over and over again, while another brings me right back down to Earth again. In the end, I guess.. I should learn to trust the one to lead me in the right direction... even if I don't ask for it.

Tired and depressed is kicking in again. I'll goto sleep.

Goodbye, Horses.